March 30, 2016 Article

The Old Coot’s got nothing!

By Merlin Lessler

I hit the wall. Writer’s block! Nothing I want to write about, complain about. A sad state for an old coot. I need something to stir me up; otherwise, I’ll lose my status in the old coot world. I thought I might opine about the ads on TV for the Oral-B power toothbrush. It shows the device gliding along top a row of teeth, with the bristles reaching down both sides to the gum line, flecking away tartar particles with a voice over claiming this will prevent gum disease. My immediate reaction was to yell, “Bull!”

I have the exact same toothbrush displayed in the ad; you have to tilt it to get it to reach the gum line, and thus it only does one side of a tooth at a time. Then I did the math. The bristles are a quarter of an inch long; the distance between the gum line and the top of my shortest tooth is an eighth of an inch greater than that. A majority of human’s teeth are the same. Thus the caricature of the portrayal of an Oral-B in action is bogus and thus deserving of my, “Bull!” (Even though I like the toothbrush and it works great, just not as portrayed)

But so what? Who cares about a stupid toothbrush ad on TV? Then I considered complaining about my lack of small talk skills. And, my need for an App for my smart phone to help with the shortcoming. Like when I’m stuck in a seat next to a stranger on a plane, in a long line at the DMV, at a wedding reception, cocktail party or gallery opening. To help me after I’ve exhausted my small talk skills of, “How you doin?” and “How about this weather?”

The App would come to my rescue. I’d type in a stranger’s age, sex, dress style and social status (redneck, yuppie, slob, outdated, old coot, etc.) and up would pop a set of questions. Questions are the best mechanism to a successful conversation. People love to talk about themselves. They don’t want to hear about YOUR children and grandchildren, dog, cat, professional and social successes. And, they definitely don’t want to endure listening to a litany of ailments from an old coot like me. Let them talk about themselves and they’ll think you are a gifted conversationalist!

But, neither of these topics held my interest long enough to create a discourse. It troubles me greatly. There’s not enough stupid stuff going on around me to energize my old coot crankiness. I guess I’ll give it up and close with the thought, “All’s well with the world.” DARN! DARN! DARN!