April 13, 2016 Article

The Old Coot doesn’t care.

By Merlin Lessler

Out loud – “Wow! You’re 50? You sure don’t look it!”

Unspoken – “Who cares!”

Out loud – “Wow! You gave up cream in your coffee and lost 20 pounds in a month? You look so slim.”

Unspoken – “Who cares!”

Out loud – You broke a tooth on a popcorn kernel and your dentist fixed it for $50?”

Unspoken – “Who cares!” (So, sue me; I had to throw in one example for my old coot crowd.)

We humans, at least those of us of old coot vintage, old enough to finally admit the ugly truth, aren’t particularly pleased to hear you tell of your good fortune. No matter how much we seem to fuss and fawn over you at the time. It’s part of the “social lies” that civilized people are guilty of, until they become an old coot like me. That’s when freedom really rings.

No, what we really want to hear is how bad it was, that trip to the dentist with the broken tooth that ended up in a root canal and a crown to the tune of $3500. And, then it broke again three weeks later.

And, when you tell us you’re 50, we can snicker to ourselves, because you really look 20 years older. And, that’s not all that makes us happy. We’re also happy because you hadn’t asked us to guess how old you were. Even an old coot can feel embarrassment. 

And, instead of remarking how trim you look 1 month after giving up cream in your coffee, we’d rather be eavesdropping on some other old coot, asking you when you are due.

These are the conversations we love, the people we love! People like us. Even Oprah joined our fold when she lost all that weight on her TV show and then gained it right back, plus some. In spite of having a nutritionist, a private chef and a personal trainer at her disposal. Oh sure, the audience cheered when she did the big reveal on stage, to show how much she’d lost. Phony cheers! The real ones went up when the pictures of a full sized Oprah graced the covers of the tabloids in the aisles by the check out counters in grocery stores. Now she’s back at it again, with a 33% stake in Weight Watchers. We can’t wait to see the outcome. Not the one where she announces her weight loss success, the one a year later, when she gains it all back. Like we would.

 What can I say? I’m human. Flawed. It takes being an old coot to finally admit it.