April 6, 2016 Article

The Old Coot and old cars do mix.

By Merlin Lessler

I don’t get it! Why, Chrysler, GM and Ford don’t produce replicas of their 1950’s cars. Imagine the stampede to the showroom if a 1957 Chevy Impala convertible was introduced. Those sleek, classic lines, those bold colors, that chrome. Mounted on a new chassis with rack and pinion steering, disc brakes, high efficiency engine and all the safety features of today’s automobiles. And yes, blue tooth and the other electronic nonsense we can’t live without.

I know I’d beat a path to the Ford dealer’s showroom to purchase a facsimile of my first car. A 1953 Ford convertible. Mine cost $60 and had more Bondo than metal, but I’d re-mortgage my house to get the modern version of it. Those corporate automobile giants just don’t get it. They hire high priced designers to craft an appealing body style while sitting on the copyrights and patents of the most fabulous and desired cars ever produced. Heck, I’d even pony up for my 1973, yellow Pinto station wagon with fake wood paneling on the sides. Ugly? Dorky? Oh yes, but fabulous by today’s car standards where it’s hard to tell the difference between an expensive Mercedes sedan and a budget practical, Toyota Camry. Bland and boring is in, style and class is out. 

And, I don’t get it when it comes to other manufacturers either. The appliance makers for instance. They need to dig into their dusty old files and bring back some of those items.  A washing machine that let’s you open the top in mid cycle to toss in those two items you just found under the bed. One that’s not “locked” for your protection. How about a dryer that doesn’t have an “Enonomy” setting, purported to save energy. But, how can it? It takes a fixed amount of heat to dry an article of clothing. Heat + Time = Dry. Lower the heat and you have to increase the time. Ala, same amount of energy used.

It would be nice to buy an electric space heater that you could lean over a little bit so you could direct the heat. But, oh no! Tilt today’s model and it shuts off. Many mechanical products have “new age” features, designed to satisfy the nanny state bureaucrats, not to provide convenience or user satisfaction.

I guess I’m drifting again – back to “the day.” It’s an affliction a lot of old coots suffer from. How can we not? Ladders covered with safety stickers, plugs that won’t go into an outlet unless they are turned the right way, lawn mowers that can’t be pulled backwards without chewing up a rubber safety guard, and then leave clumps of grass behind as it mows. Everything you touch is encumbered with unwanted and awkward to use features. It’s so bad that even people in their 30’s are wishing for the good old days. It’s an untreatable disease; it’s called “premature old cootism” and it’s spreading rapidly.