January 30, 2013 article

The Old Coot gets “short” changed.

By Merlin Lessler

 

It’s been going on for a while, several years or more. I was even a part of it, in a way. Back when I tried to outlast Lew Sauerbrey in an annual competition to see who could stay in summer shorts the longest. He always beat me, even if I pushed him well into the cold weather of late October. But, even he was beat out by the young guys. The most notorious member of this short pants, polar bear club was Barry Manville. He made it all the way through winter, year after year. Lew and I were a couple of pikers in comparison.

 

Even with that as a background, I’m still surprised when I see a young guy trotting into a gas station or a grocery store on a bitter cold morning in a pair of shorts. Onlookers exchange puzzled glances. Glances that say, “What? Is he nuts?” I’m among them. But, my reaction also includes a good helping of jealousy; I want to be in shorts too! But, old men can’t do it. Not without being stopped by a cop, made to walk a white line, stand on one foot and touch their nose, to prove they’re sober. Or even worse, to be reported to Social Services and taken before a judge to have their mental competency evaluated. Cargo shorts on old coots in the winter are taboo. All we can do, is go south and join the legion of knobby kneed, chicken-legged old guys wandering the shopping malls, killing time before restaurants unlock their doors for the early bird special.

 

The whole thing is kind of crazy when you really think about it. Sexist, too. Women wear skirts all winter, always have. Nobody gives it a second thought. No one looks at them as though to say, “What? Are you nuts?” No calls to 911 or Social Services. Women get a pass. Young guys get a pass. Old coots don’t. And now there is a new trend developing. Men in skirts. There was one at a holiday party I attended last Christmas. I couldn’t say anything, or even look around to exchange “what is he nuts” glances with the other guests. Not while I was wearing a pair of red, high-top sneakers with a three-piece business suit. So, I just said, “Hi Keith. What’s new with you?” – “Nothing much,” he replied, “Nice sneakers!” Then walked off to the hors d’oeuvres table at the back of the restaurant. I stood there thinking, “Maybe I’ll try a skirt next year? And, beat the pants off Lew.