February 6, 2013 article

The Old Coot reveals a secret.

By Merlin Lessler

 

“Surprise! I grew up!” I’ve had six little people who bunked with us say that to me. It’s something you never think will happen when they are toddlers. Maybe if we did, we’d skip some of the stupid things we do or say in our role as parents. Especially if you consider the prospect that one day it may come back at you, Dad, I told you not to bring your old coot buddies in here when I’m not home. As long as you live under my roof, you’ll go by my rules! You’re grounded!

 

It’s a long list, the stuff that can come back to haunt you. I just gave you $20 yesterday; how can you be broke? – You’re not going out in public dressed like that! – Your friends are a bad influence; get some new ones. –  Call me if you’re going to be late. It can happen even if you don’t live under their roof. The role reversal between you and your kids is inevitable. The trick is to avoid it as long as possible. Don’t let it get started.

 

It takes work to fake it, to act as though you are a fully functioning adult. You should never talk to your kids about your physical deterioration. Save that for your old coot buddies. That’s a conversation for coffee shops and diners. In addition, it can save you money and time. If three of you have a sore knee, then do a round of, Rock-Scissors-Paper. The loser has to go to the doctor to get a diagnosis. Even if your symptoms are different, he can get an opinion, and then throw a few more symptoms on the table, and get another one.

 

NEVER let your kid know anything about it. And NEVER have them take you to an appointment. Even if your knee is so sore you have to stop every few steps to cry. If you let them take you, another of your child rearing statements will come back at you. Tell the doctor what you told me.  The secret to independence is called “KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!” You know how. You perfected the technique when you were a teenager, when you told your parents absolutely nothing. Now, it’s your kids you have to keep out of the loop.

 

It helps if you can get them bickering. If they’re not speaking to each other they can’t discuss your deteriorating condition. Do you think dad/mom is slipping lately? – He/she can’t remember stuff. You can’t let them get into these conversations. Do things that will keep them feuding. Give an heirloom that one of the kids “always wanted” to his sister. That should keep them at odds for a while and keep you safe from role-reversal parenting.

 

And, most of all, get out of the house, get out of town. Don’t be a homebody. Go south with the snowbirds; you’ll be in safe company. Go to the early bird specials, no young people will see you and report your odd behavior to your kids. Take rides, like those old Sunday drives that were a popular form of entertainment half a century ago. Keep moving! Keep your mouth shut! That’s the secret to a happy old coot existence.