February 20, 2013 article

The old coot asks, “What’s so special?”

By Merlin Lessler

 

I have an issue with the “Today’s Specials” that many restaurants offer. The ones that are scribbled on a sign out front or on a chalkboard near the hostess stand.  “Today’s Special – Cow lips, poached in a special sauce with a hoof salad on the side.”  At least, that’s how I hear it when “My-name-is-Jimmy-I’ll-be-your-server-this-afternoon” describes the mush that comprises the special of the day. If it’s so special, why isn’t it served all the time?

 

Today’s specials are like hot dogs; it’s what they do with the left over stuff. They don’t want to waste it, so they make it into hot dogs, or in the case of restaurants, into “Today’s Special.” It’s usually at a special price too, about twenty dollars more than the entrees on the regular menu.

 

I’m not welcome in most of the restaurants that offer a “Today’s Special because I ask for a “customer’s special” instead. “What’s that?” the waiter will ask. So, I tell him. “I’d like ½ a BLT, a dozen French fries and 1/2 glass of ice tea. (I know what my tank will hold and I don’t want to over fill it.) “I don’t think we can do that,”(Jimmy-I-wish-I-didn’t-get-this table) will respond. “Sure you can,” I assure him. “Put one slice of bread in the toaster, cut it in half when it pops up, butter it with a dollop of mayo, add a slice of bacon, a half slice of tomato and a piece of lettuce. Put it on a plate and stick a toothpick in. Throw 12 french fries in with another order and add them to the plate. Pour ice tea in a glass to the half way point. You can do it! It’s easy.”

 

“I don’t know. I’ll have to check.” A minute later I see the chef peek out the little window in the kitchen door. His look says it all’ “Oh darn! It’s that old coot again.” Pretty soon the manager comes over. “Is there a problem sir?” That’s what his mouth says, but his body language says something quite different. Something unprintable! “No problem,” I respond. “I just want less food and drink than your normal portions consist of. Can’t a customer get what he wants, something right off the menu, just less of it? I’m trying to avoid becoming a whale.”

 

I get the “It’s highly unusual” speech. And, then the “Just this one time” concession. I don’t understand the problem in giving us what we want instead of what they want. It doesn’t seem to be a problem when I ask Dillon at the Barleycorn for a half glass of Yuengling, or Bob at the Cellar to split a burger and put it on two plates, or Diana at John’s Fine Food to get me three slices of American cheese and two slices of German bologna. That’s why I like small towns. They let you get what you want. Everyplace else, you get Today’s Special