The Old Coot is an “A” student!
By Merlin Lessler
I’m here again, for a semester at the Old Coot School of
Science. I’m still an undergraduate, even though this is my fifth year in
snowbird training. I thought I knew all the old coot tricks. That is, until I
met the two senior professors teaching this year’s courses. Last year I learned
how to save a sock with a hole in the toe by cutting it straight across and
sewing it up, avoiding the painstaking nuisance of darning. I also learned how
to beat the line at early bird specials by using crutches purchased (cheap) at
a thrift store and faking a stumble near the door. The competition is tough,
but if you do your homework, you can beat out the people in wheel chairs and
walkers. You just have to watch out for the old ladies with canes. They won’t
hesitate to use them. I have the lumps and bruises to prove it!
This year the focus was on thrift, “Cheapskate 101.” An
advanced course in how to avoid spending money. Professor John, of Canada,
formerly of the Netherlands, taught the first section. He’s the same professor
who taught the sock preservation course last year. This year’s session taught
us how to reduce our medical expenses. I won’t bore you with the details, but
here’s an example to give you a feel for the course. Professor John took a
tumble, as old coots often do, tearing open a large flap of skin on his arm. Go
to the ER? Wait an hour for a sleepy resident to tell you that you need
stitches? DUH! And, another hour for him to come back with a suture kit? No!
No! and NO! We learned to do what John does, splash mouthwash on the wound and
wrap it in duct tape. This method leaves a scar, but scars are good
conversation starters, especially for old coots who specialize in talking about
their ailments.
Then, visiting Professor “Don” from the Ohio branch of the
University took over the training. His topic was, “Don’t be too cheap; it can
cost you.” He explained the importance of setting limits. He told of a personal
experience where excessive “thrift” turned into disaster. It happened when he
was kayaking down the river near his home. He spotted a fishing lure hanging
from a tree branch. “Wow, a free lure!” He paddled over to it and reached up
just as a gust of wind came along, snagging his finger on the hook, piercing
it. Three hours later he walked out of the ER. (Obviously he’d been dozing in
class while Professor John was lecturing). He ended up having a series of
x-rays to make sure the hook hadn’t nicked the bone, was injected with Novocain
so it could be extracted, was sewn back together, suffered through a tetanus
shot and was handed a prescription for an expensive antibiotic. All that, and
he didn’t even get to keep the fishing lure; it was ruined in the extraction
process. I still have two more courses to complete, but I’m well on my way to
the 15 credits I need to complete my degree. I’m shooting for a major in
Cheapness and a minor in Public Nuisance.
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