January 16, 2013 article

The Old Coot has a PHD.

By Merlin Lessler

Pay attention! Class is in session at “Old Man” School. I first noticed it when I was a kid, at the YMCA: old guys limping around, leaning against the wall to pull on their socks, sitting down to slip into their pants, grabbing the handrail to pull themselves up the stairs. I thought it was funny. Then, thirty years later, when I was in my forties and rejoined the Y, the same old guys were still there, still bending, stooping and shuffling around. This time I paid attention. I realized the techniques on how to dress, and how to get around in an old body, would come in handy.

My back was out of whack at the time, from showing the neighborhood kids how to do a running flip in the back yard. It was caused by a condition that affects men when they hit mid life and try to prove the aging process hasn’t affected them. They do stupid things. Stuff, like my flip in the back yard. I joined in with the old guys; I enrolled in Old Man School. I leaned against the wall with the best of them, to get into my socks. I sat down to get a foot into a pant leg and I used the handrail to climb the stairs. I was an old coot in training.

My back healed and I got better. And smarter. I started paying more attention to the techniques used by old guys. I earned my Bachelors Degree, my Masters and now have a PHD and a full professorship at Old Man University. Our classes are free; all you have to do is pay attention as we move around in your world. We’ll show you how to get in and out of a car by pushing on the roof with your hand, crouching down, backing in, using the steering wheel as a fulcrum. Getting out is easier; we drop to the pavement and pull ourselves up using the door handle and the mirror. 

We’ll teach you how to turn a slight hearing deficiency into a valuable asset. (“Sorry honey, I didn’t hear you ask me to save that last piece of apple pie.”) The same thing with memory lapses, (“Sorry dear, I forgot to bring in the groceries from the car.”) The memory thing can pay big dividends. So can the art of asking for senior discounts. For anything! Just ask; you never know? Better get started; it took me 30 years of study to get where I am.