Are you an old coot? published August 21, 2024

 The old coot test.

By Merlin Lessler

 Every once in a while, some middle-aged guy will stop me, and ask, “What makes a person an old coot?” I ask them a series of questions and then let them see if their worst fears are coming true. Here are the questions I ask.

 Is the gap between the top of your shoe and the bottom of your pants two inches or greater? (the bigger the gap the more of an old coot you are)

 Do you insist that underwear be white, socks too, no other color is clean?

 Do your shoes either slip-on or fasten with Velcro?

 Does staying up late mean you only doze off twice by bedtime at 11pm?

 Do you wear a fanny pack with the pack in front to the point where you don't use your pockets anymore?

 Do all your conversations start with, “When I was a kid" -"When I was still working" - "When my kids were young” - or the like?

 Do you usually find the things you lost: around your neck, pushed up on top of your head, in your pocket or in your other hand?

 Do you yell at the newscasters on TV?

 Does your belt buckle ride just below your rib cage? (this may explain why your pant cuffs are six inches above your shoes)

 Is your dinner hour 4pm?

 Do you have to sit down to put on your socks, shoes and pants?

 Does everybody under forty look 16 to you?

 Are you the first one to get there: for a party, to vote, for church service and every other event with a start time?

 Do you read the obituaries every day?

 Is the music too loud? Everywhere!

 Is the President, your doctor, dentist, lawyer and every other symbol of authority younger than you?

 Are three or more of your toenails thicker than the edge of a half-dollar and closer to gold than pink? (And do you even know what a half-dollar looks like?)

 Does sleeping through the night mean you only had to get up once?

 Do you leave it that way and shrug, “Oh well,” when you discover you’ve put your sweater on backwards?

 Does it take you a minute or longer to get into or out of your car?

 If you answer “Yes” to 6 or more, you are well on your way, 12 or more, well, what can I say, welcome to the club.