The Old Coot should shut his mouth? (published in Owego, ny on 5/20/26)

 The Old Coot should shut his mouth?

By Merlin Lessler

There is a side benefit to the cameras on everyone’s phones; we get to see candid photos of ourselves every once in a while. We are often surprised at what we see. In my case, an old guy with his mouth half open. Apparently I have a case of “Old-Man-Jaw-Drop Syndrome.” I walk around without knowing that my mouth is open. That’s OK when I’m asleep on a bench in the mall or in a seat on an airplane. People expect you to have an open mouth. Everybody does it, but not when they’re walking around or peddling along on a bicycle. It makes you look stupid; it’s another of those old age things. Things drop. I have foot drop in my left foot. It drops when I lift my leg. It would trip me if it weren’t for a little device I wear on my ankle with a strap tied to the lace near my toe; it holds my foot up and keeps me from tripping. A life saver for twenty-five bucks.

But, I don’t want to be fitted with a similar device to keep my jaw from dropping. I’ve devised my own physical therapy; I constantly repeat to myself, “Keep your lips together! Shut your mouth!” The latter being something I’ve never learned to do. Yet, it’s important that I do; I have an image to sustain and not make my fellow octogenarians look bad.

I practice keeping my pie hole shut when I’m taking a walk, riding a bike or anything else in public view. Unfortunately, when I’m doing those things I go off into a trance and quietly whistle a tune. It’s a weak, almost silent sound. I think I lost my ability to whistle, but that’s a story for another time. I can’t use that trance state I go into as an excuse; I’ve got to stay in the moment and keep my mouth shut.

I need to remind my fellow old men to do the same. If I see a young guy with his mouth open, I’m going to keep mine shut. I don’t want a punch in the jaw and end up with my mouth wired shut while it heals. Although, that is another way to deal with the jaw drop syndrome.

Old Coot knows your age, not your name! (Published in NY on May 13, 2026)

 The Old Coot knows your age.

By Merlin Lessler

I bumped into this guy (not literally) in the locker room at the YMCA a few weeks ago. He came ut of the gym; I came out of the pool. We were in sort of an undeclared race to get dressed. He was pretty nimble, impressively so. I asked him how old he was. (It’s considered OK for old guys to ask other old guys how old they are.)  “Eighty-eight,” he responded.  I told him I was 83 &1/2. He said, “You look pretty good for your age.” I said, “You look pretty good for your age.” It’s a rule; us old guys say this to each other. It makes us feel good.

A week later, I ran into him sitting on a bench, leaning down and putting on his socks. Not an easy task. I said, “Hi eighty seven.” He said, “I’m eighty eight.” I said, “Now I remember.”  I knew it would be much easier to remember a number than a name. I came close. When I meet an old guy like this, it’s what I do. Trouble is; they have a birthday and I have to expunge the old “name” in my head. But, we don’t care if we get or give the wrong age or name. It’s no big deal. We know each other’s brain compartment that holds names is slow on the uptake. There is a young guy (in his thirties) in the locker room eating an apple every day. I never asked him his name; I just started calling him Apple-Boy. He chuckles every time I do that.

Us old guys aren’t the only ones who use age to identify people. You can’t get to see a doctor without reciting your birth: day, month and year. Even the YMCA uses that to identify you. I went to the desk to add three months to my membership. When I started to say my name; the clerk stopped me and said, “We don’t have members listed by name; we have them listed by their birth date.” I kind of wondered if they ever had two members born on the same day? If they do, and it’s the same date as me, I won’t say anything; I’ll let him pay for my membership. 

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The Old Coot pens an article. Published in Owego NY on May 6, 2026

 The Old Coot pens an article.

By Merlin Lessler

All of a sudden, I noticed my pen supply in the kitchen was nearing extinction. No problem. Or so I thought. I’ll just go to my office and grab a handful; they probably just migrated there. Guess what? That pen holder was also down, only two pencils and one pen. I checked the garage, no help there. So, where are the pens? I’m sure I had an overflowing supply of pens. Someplace.

It’s quite irksome, especially since I’m a hog when it comes to free pens. Like at the bank, when the clerk says to take a couple. I do, but more than a couple. Some banks fasten their pens to a chain. I’m not getting to many places that hand out pens. It’s my own fault. I do most of my banking online or at an ATM.

Doctor’s offices don’t give away pens; they do let you borrow one to write a note to yourself. For me it’s usually a doctor’s name. I can’t remember it ten seconds after I hear it. The receptionist acts as a chain connected to the pen in those places.

Now, I’ll have to buy some new pens. Probably several six packs at the Dollar store. That, and I’ll be on the lookout for freebies. Beware to places with a bunch of pens out in the open for customer use. An old coot is on the prowl.

Ps. I bought two packages of pens at the dollar store. One had four pens with a nice rubberized grip.  The other package had six red colored pens. Great! I told myself; they will stand out when I drop one someplace around the house. Then my wife asked why I bought so many pens with red ink. (Because I didn’t read the label on the package, is what I should have said. But, I do that all the time and don’t get what I think I’m getting.) Instead, I said I like red ink a lot.

PPS. – I found the missing pens. I’d collected some of the excess pens a few months ago and put them in a place where “I’d never forget.” But I did.

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The Old Coot sliced on a slant. Oops? Published in Owego NY on 4/29/2026

 The Old Coot pans the diagonal cut.

By Merlin lessler

I just finished a stressful computer glitch the other morning, I needed some comfort food. I decided on a slice of toast. I ran the bread through two cycles, to get it dark, but not quite charred. It reminds me of making toast over a fire in my camping days. It’s a tricky task to get it just right. I put it on a plate in front of me; buttered it and cut it in half. For some reason, unknown to me, I cut it on a slant. Something I rarely do.

I usually cut things in two, on a line that is parallel to the sides. It’s one of those things you do without thinking, like putting on shoes and socks. You usually do the same foot first, slip on the sock and then either the shoe or the other sock. Some people slip on both socks first, then their shoes. It’s the same sort of thing with pants and shirts: right leg first, right arm first or the opposite. Whatever, you usually do the same thing every time when you get dressed. When you do think about it, you get confused.

So, there I was with a piece of toast that I’d purposefully cut on a slant. Some people always do a slant cut, some always do a straight cut, converting a square into two rectangles. Other people don’t cut toast or sandwiches at all. They eat them intact. I don’t know what to say about people who cut off the crust; that’s the best part.

When I was a soda jerk in high school at Soldo’s Rexall Drug Store I learned the quarter cut. That’s how we made a BLT. We cut the finished product on a slant, twice, stuck a toothpick into each quarter and set them on a plate with potato chips in the center. To me, it was a work of art. Every once in a while, I do that myself every once in a while on a trip down memory lane to my high school days.

But, back to that slant-cut piece of toast. It’s not a good way to cut when you want to dunk the toast into a cup of hot chocolate. It won’t fit properly; just the tip. That’s all I’ve got. I just talked myself into two more slices of toast and a cup of hot chocolate. No slant cut this time. Why not, I’m a skinny guy, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t gain weight. I’m not complaining, or bragging, just stating a fact. I can’t hop, skip or jump either. That’s the stuff that happens when you’re an old coot.

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The Old Coot has coffee elbow. Published 04/22/2026 in upstate NY

 The Old Coot asks, “Tennis anyone?”

By Merlin Lessler

 I’m sitting on the patio at a Starbucks in Ormond Beach, watching two little birds hop around picking crumbs from the cracks between the tiles. Not too exciting you say. You’re wrong. It is. For an old coot, anyhow. It’s a nice distraction from a changing world. When you’re young, you can’t wait for change – to graduate from school – to get a job – to get married – to get your own place – to buy a new car. Eventually, you go the other way; you don’t want change; you want things to stay the way they are. That’s when you officially become an old coot. You’ve decided that most changes are not for the better. (for me)

 It means another friend has moved away. It means your favorite restaurant went out of business. It means you’ve heard yet another clerk say, “They don’t make that anymore.”  You just want to cover your ears and block out the changes that pop into your life in an endless parade: eggs are bad for you, coffee is bad for you, meat is bad for you, your mower can’t be repaired, and the new ones won’t start unless you squeeze the handle.  CHANGES = UGH!

 Today’s change is my elbow. The right one, to be specific. It hurts. It’s a new pain; I never had it before. So, I sit here drinking coffee with my left hand, dribbling a few drops on my clean shirt, distracting myself by watching two little birds have their breakfast. Eventually, I’ll have to get back to the elbow and try to puzzle it out, to wonder why I didn’t appreciate it last week when it felt so good.

 When I’m asked what I did to cause the problem, my answer will be the same answer I’ve had for every other new issue. “Nothing!” I did a couple of push-ups. I took out the garbage. I hosed off the car. I raked some leaves. I really didn’t do anything to it! I hate this conversation because it always ends up with the same response from everybody: my doctor, my wife, my friends. “You’ve got to expect that at your age!”

 I’ve learned to deal with these things. I’ll tell people it's tennis elbow. I won’t mention that the last time I played tennis was in 1991 when my 17-year-old daughter, Amy, beat me for the first time. That’s when I invented tennis elbow and used it as an excuse to save myself from further embarrassment. Now, the pain that I faked so long ago has finally arrived. I think I figured it out as I sat here watching the birds. The pain comes from constantly walking around with a container of coffee in my hand. My elbow finally gave out. I have coffee elbow!      

The Old Coot doesn't cross at the corner. Published 04/15/2026

 Where did the Old Coot cross the street?

By Merlin Lessler

Most mornings I leave the coffee group I hang out with, walk a quarter of a mile through a parking lot at a shopping plaza and then half way across a busy four-lane street to a small island space between the two lanes going north and the two lanes going south. I wait there, and when no cars are coming, I hustle the rest of the way across. I use the word hustle loosely, because my stride is anything but.

Anyhow, from there, I walk back toward the intersection that I avoided by crossing in the middle of the block, take a left down the sidewalk to the beach and then onward, either north or south for a half-mile or more, depending on what the tide is doing. When it’s low tide, the beach is wide and flat; at high tide it’s narrow and on a slant, not a good way to walk for an old coot. That’s what dictates how far I will go.

I cross paths with an old guy on my walk; one day I found him crossing the road in the same spot I do. (He’s 90, so I can call him an old guy.) We’d nod and say good morning most times, but that day, I said, “Jack, I see you cross in the same spot I do.” He smiled, and said “Oh yeah; if you cross at the traffic light, even with a green pedestrian arrow, you can get run over by a car turning right on red.” Drivers only look to the left to make sure no cars are coming, and then bolt to the right and into the crosswalk.

Us old guys know how to cross. Everyone is taught to never cross in the middle of the block, always at the corner. Jack and I figured out it is outdated advice, and wrong. Downright dangerous! It’s a safety rule that hasn’t been brought up to date; it doesn’t take the “right-on-red” rule into consideration. A lot of people have been hit, hurt, even killed, crossing at the corner. My friend. Daren got dumped off his bike by a right-on-red turner; he was just sitting there with the front wheel in the crosswalk, waiting for a chance to go. I’ve had a few close calls myself. But not anymore.

 The problem is even worse, now that pedestrian crossing lights have been installed at hundreds of thousands of intersections across the country. Part of a federal pedestrian safety effort. People push the button, wait for the “go” signal, and think it’s safe to cross. It is, until a right-on-red driver is sitting at the stop light and in a hurry. The rule that a pedestrian has the right of way, is no longer in play. It’s been replaced with, “Walker beware!”

The Old Coot gets off track. Published in Owego NY 04/08/2026

 The Old Coot gets off track (as usual).

By Merlin Lessler

I write to laugh at today’s world and my ineptness to adapt to it. Sometimes I get off track and stuck on grievance, again and again, but eventually that helps me accept it. I kept getting stuck on how hard it is to open things sealed in plastic or bottles with tops that are too small to grip. I’ve aired those complaints so often the issue has become an amusement. When I’m confronted with it, I laugh out loud as I struggle to open something.  

I also write with a “Pass-the-Wisdom-along,” theme, in an attempt to give people headed toward old age a glimpse of the issues they will face, a roadmap to help prepare for the inevitable. And, to learn to laugh at themselves rather than fret over it on the steps along the old age path.

The old age journey is much easier in Japan where the elderly are respected, even revered. The journey is different here in our youth-oriented society. Old coots are either invisible to young people or a joke. We learn to laugh at ourselves along with them, knowing their day will come. If you laugh at life in general and old age in particular, the journey in all its absurdity is a more pleasant way to travel.

I stumble around with a lack of balance caused by neuropathy in my feet and legs. But I do get around, and pretty well. Especially if I’m using a walking stick or simply touching something nearby. Any stable object or a person’s shoulder will do. I learned that technique from my friend Doc Williams, who gave a talk on balance at a Rotary meeting several years ago. He especially stressed using a stick rather than a cane, so you walk upright.  

I’m scratching my head at this point, wondering what I was trying to get at in this article. You would think that after writing over 1500 old coot essays, I would be able to stay on track, but I can’t. I put a pen in my hand, grab a piece of paper and off I go. Often not knowing where. The stuff spins out on its own and I take credit for it. Sometimes something good, sometimes something bad, and often something I never expected.

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