The Old Coot shuts his mouth.
By Merlin Lessler
When I was younger, in my sixties, my wife gave me a Fitbit
for Christmas. It was an early version; it didn’t do all the stuff they do today.
I used it to count steps and check my heart rate. Its purpose was to nag me until
I moved my body. “If you don’t move it, you will lose it.” True? It was pretty
effective for several years. Eventually, after more than a decade I learned
that even if you move it, vou still lose it, just at a slower rate. Who’s
kidding who?
Even so, that primitive step counter was highly effective
in developing “move” habits. Now, I need a different type of Artificial Intelligence
monitoring me. A device that can listen to what I say and count, several,
select, old man phrases. A sentence that starts with, “I used to…..” for
instance. Nobody cares what you “used” to do.
Even worse, are sentences that start with, “I shudda,” as
in, “I should have done X, Y or Z.” Shudda is a regret that nobody cares about
but you. This Fitbit phrase monitor that I envision, will keep score as I go
through the day and sound an alarm when I surpass a preset limit. It will also
produce weekly charts to remind me to work harder to eliminate those “taboo”
phrases.
Eventually it will help me to be somewhat more welcome in
group conversations. It might even stop people from looking at their watches when
I babble out of control and then say, “Oh gosh; I have to run.” There are a few
other phrases that will be monitored, such as: “What’s his name?” and “They”
say… Who are “they” by the way? And, when did “they” become the ultimate
authority?
I have to stop right here; I’ve already exceeded my daily
quotas, and it’s only 10 am.
Comments, complaints? Send to paper or to
mlessler7@gmail.com
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