Saturday, May 3, 2025

The Old Coot is censored. Published in NY on April 30,2025

 The Old Coot shuts his mouth.

By Merlin Lessler

When I was younger, in my sixties, my wife gave me a Fitbit for Christmas. It was an early version; it didn’t do all the stuff they do today. I used it to count steps and check my heart rate. Its purpose was to nag me until I moved my body. “If you don’t move it, you will lose it.” True? It was pretty effective for several years. Eventually, after more than a decade I learned that even if you move it, vou still lose it, just at a slower rate. Who’s kidding who?

Even so, that primitive step counter was highly effective in developing “move” habits. Now, I need a different type of Artificial Intelligence monitoring me. A device that can listen to what I say and count, several, select, old man phrases. A sentence that starts with, “I used to…..” for instance. Nobody cares what you “used” to do.

Even worse, are sentences that start with, “I shudda,” as in, “I should have done X, Y or Z.” Shudda is a regret that nobody cares about but you. This Fitbit phrase monitor that I envision, will keep score as I go through the day and sound an alarm when I surpass a preset limit. It will also produce weekly charts to remind me to work harder to eliminate those “taboo” phrases.

Eventually it will help me to be somewhat more welcome in group conversations. It might even stop people from looking at their watches when I babble out of control and then say, “Oh gosh; I have to run.” There are a few other phrases that will be monitored, such as: “What’s his name?” and “They” say… Who are “they” by the way? And, when did “they” become the ultimate authority?

I have to stop right here; I’ve already exceeded my daily quotas, and it’s only 10 am.

Comments, complaints? Send to paper or to mlessler7@gmail.com

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