The Old Coot is a mess.
By Merlin Lessler
I Have a Pamphlet titled, “Stain
Removal from fabrics.” It was published in the 1950’s, for employees of Western
Electric. It’s been in my collection of “paper goods” for years, a collection that
once included a salesman’s guide from the 1930’s which outlined an extensive set
of sales techniques based on a person’s facial features - chins, eyebrows,
noses, ears, hair color and the like. It’s now in the hands of Mike Coleman; he
uses it as comic relief when he’s in his Binghamton insurance sales office.
But, back to the stain
removal pamphlet. It’s a valuable commodity, especially for old coots like me
who rarely make it through the day without picking up an assortment of food and
beverage blotches on their clothes. For me, it’s most often coffee, mustard,
ketchup, spaghetti sauce and ink. At least once a day, my wife points to my
shirt and makes an exasperated observation, “What have you spilled on yourself now?”
I forgot I had the pamphlet
until I stumbled on it in the back of a drawer the other day. The same day I
sported a blood stain on the sleeve of my shirt, the result of an encounter
with the sharp edge of an aluminum ladder. I have a long running familiarity
with blood stains from that sort of mishap; I knew I was in for it. But the stain pamphlet saved me. “Dab the
blood stain with Hydrogen Peroxide,” it advised. Whoosh! Like magic, it
disappeared. No frowns from my wife that day!
The next stain to arrive
on my shirt was coffee. I should know better than to ride my bike and sip coffee
at the same time. But the bike wasn’t really the issue. It was me. Whether I’m
sitting at a table, reclining in a chair or just standing up and talking,
coffee will find its way to my clothes.
The pamphlet’s advice for
coffee and tea stains is to drop boiling water from a height of three feet onto
the stain, dab it with a water & glycerin solution or soak it in sodium
perborate. I wouldn’t dare splash boiling water from a height of three feet; I’d
end up in the emergency room. I don’t have glycerin or sodium perborate. I
guess I’ll have to continue to live with coffee splotches.
Mustard is one of the
worst stains for me to deal with. I’ve
tried everything over the years, to no avail. The stain removal pamphlet was of
no help. Its 1950’s era advice was useless because the solution required glycerin
or oxalic acid. I don’t have, or know, where to get either. By the end of the
day, my clothes resemble a military camouflage suit. I’m a stain expert. Expert
at getting stains into my clothes! Not getting them out!
Comments? Complaints? Send
to – mlessler7@gmail.com
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