The Old Coot has the Summer Blues.
By Merlin Lessler
The nannies were on TV again today. The network calls it
news; I call it a chat with the busybodies.” They don’t have a very high
opinion of the general public; they think we need their advice, and a lot of it.
The theme this time was hot summer weather. Beware!” Most of us can tell when a
heat wave arrives; some of us look forward to it. But, in case we are too
stupid to figure out what is going on, the media comes to our rescue, to clue
us in and to help us handle this “difficult” occurrence.
They started today’s segment by parading out two pale-faced
dermatologists to tell viewers to stay out of the sun. They acknowledged that
we couldn’t always do that so they listed the steps we should take to prevent
wrinkles, age spots and skin cancer, the one-two-three punch. We should wear
hats, long pants, shirts with long sleeves, light colored & light weight
clothing, wraparound sunglasses and most important of all, glob on tons of
sunscreen. One doctor suggested that carrying an umbrella was also a good idea
too. Then, the screen faded as a commercial on diet pills took over. It makes
me wonder how our species survived for hundreds of thousands of years, working
and playing in the summer sun.
After the commercial break a nutritionist took center stage.
He kicked off his segment with new commandments to supplement the original ten:
“Thou shall not eat barbequed red meat –Thou shall eat no bratwurst or anything
with wurst in its name – Ye shall eat fish and be happy – Do not taketh soft
serve ice cream into thy digestive system, nor soft pretzels and cheese.” I
don’t know about other viewers but he ruined my summer. I left the room. I
couldn’t bear to hear him speak ill of hot dogs, hamburgers, speedies and potato
salad. I then put skinny, pasty-faced nutritionists on my “do not listen to”
list.
The nanny show finished by introducing a fashion consultant specializing
in bathing suits. Volunteers from the audience marched in front of the cameras
so she could explain why they were wearing the wrong swimsuits for their body types.
One by one, she did a critique: “Your gut is hanging out; Your bulging thighs look
worse because your suit bottom is too small. Blah, Blah. Blah. Then came the
advice: “Buy a suit that’s one or two sizes larger than you usually do - avoid
low rise bottoms – mix a red top with a yellow bottom; it will distract from
your body issue. On and on she went. By the time she finished with her “cover
up and distract” advice, she’d might as well have pushed back the fashion clock
to the 1890’s when people went swimming fully clothed. She didn’t say anything
about men’s beer bellies or Speedo suits. We escaped her critical eye. The entire
show was depressing; I think I’ll spend the summer boycotting the nanny shows.
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