July 27, 2016 Article

The old coot learns the rules (porch rules).

By Merlin Lessler

My wife, Marcia, and I were sitting on David and Janet Allen’s back porch the other day. Solving the world’s problems. It’s a porch that was once sat on by two Supreme Court Justices: first by John M. Parker, and later by his son, Charles E. Parker.  A distinguished history. Which makes you wonder why an old coot was allowed to perch there. Me too!

As often happens, when you sit around on a porch, the talk turns to porches. In this case it progressed from structure talk to porch etiquette, as practiced in small town America.

I always have something to learn; David always has something to teach, in this case, porch etiquette. We have a front porch on our 211-year-old house, so David’s lesson plan of the day was of particular interest. These are the rules, unwritten and uninforced, but well thought out when they evolved in Great Britain, hundreds of years ago and are still applicable today, even in the “Colonies.”

Rule #1 – If you are walking down the sidewalk and pass someone sitting on a porch, you shouldn’t wave or yell, “Yoo-hoo,” unless the sitter makes eye contact or initiates an exchange of greetings. If they are reading a newspaper, conversing with another sitter or just staring into space, it’s bad porch manners to intrude into their privacy. Just keep walking.

Rule #2 – If the porch sitter initiates an exchange of “Hellos,” you should politely respond, but don’t take it as in invitation to come aboard. A porch is an arena of private meditation, and you don’t want to break the spell. If beckoned over by the sitter, by all means meander up. Otherwise, stay on the sidewalk. With one exception: if you have an especially hot item of gossip, deliver the news. Gossip trumps the rules of porch etiquette.  

David explained that these rules especially apply to old coots like me, who are often guilty of intruding into places they are not invited. He thought there should be yet one more rule, to keep old coots in line. And that is, to not summon people to your porch. It’s an unwanted interruption to a peaceful stroll through town. No one wants to be invited over to a porch to listen to the rantings of some old grouch. My wife readily agreed, explaining that is the reason her outdoor furniture is kept on the back porch. A kindness to the village.

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