September 30, 2015 Article

The Old Coot is not in control!

By Merlin Lessler

A few months ago I complained about my “bossy” car, how it took over and replaced me with an onboard computer and a series of sensors and interlocks. I’ve now come to realize that my lawn mower is just as bossy. This simple mechanical device has more say about how it will function than I do. I may be at the controls, but the lawn mower is in charge. 

It started years ago, when the National Safety Council mandated a grip-bar-handle, the proverbial dead man’s switch. If you loosen your grip, the mower shuts off. You can’t bend over to pick up a stick or a kid’s toy without being forced to restart your mower. When the “dead man” grips first appeared, I removed mine and went merrily on my way. The Feds found out and made the manufacturers re-design the grips so only a graduate engineer could disable them. I tie a small piece of rope around the mechanism to keep the dead man bar pressed against the handle; it works OK, but it’s a pain.  At least I don’t end up with cramps in my hands anymore. 

After they made us squeeze the handle, they moved on to other parts of the mower, adding rubber flaps to the back and side of the mowing chamber, so the clippings and other objects won’t shoot out. Good idea, but the flaps make your lawn look terrible; with rows of clippings so pronounced it resembles an old fashioned washboard. You have to bag or rake them to avoid the look. I did the bag thing for a while, but got tired of stopping every few rows to take it off and empty it. I removed the side flap and solved the problem, but the next mower I bought came with double flap and a spring-loaded mechanism that couldn’t be removed. I tried and gave up. I recently discovered I can prop up the top flap with a small board and the clippings spew out evenly across the lawn. Score one for me!  

The Mower Nazi’s kept at it. They made the handle so it won’t flip back to let you reverse direction when you come to the end of a row. The change forces you to drag the mower back down the row, or waste time turning it around. I always wondered why they didn’t want mowers to be capable of being pushed in two different directions. I never did find a fix for this one. I drag the mower back and have zigzag looking rows.  

Another “used to be able to do it” thing, before the mower got bossy, was to regulate the speed, to rev it up when the grass got real high. Not anymore. I’ve tried and failed; the mechanism is foolproof. A series of micro springs and swivels make it impossible to change the speed without breaking the setup. They’ve even “fixed” the gas can, those lawn mower safety zealots. It comes with a complicated nozzle that controls the rate of flow and sets the angle at which the gas goes into the mower. I guess it was to prevent accidental spills and to minimize vapors going into the atmosphere. I spill more gas with this system, and have a hard time getting the cap back on the nozzle because of some idiotic, plastic, twist and push mechanism. So much for protecting the environment. The last “improved” can I bought forced me to do the walk of shame. I had to go back to the hardware store and ask the clerk how to remove the cap. I walked out, red faced, my shoulders slumped in shame and noticed my car lights were on and the radio was playing. I’d made an unforgivable mistake when I parked; I had opened the door before I pushed the start/stop button. The car wants me to push the button first and then open the door; it turns the lights and radio on so the battery will run down and I’ll do what it wants. Bossy car, bossy lawnmower. Machines are getting closer and closer to taking over. We humans are the ones who should be placed on the endangered species list.