The Old Coot is fully equipped?
By Merlin Lessler
We’re a sports and fitness country. Our obsession ranges
from Ironman athletes who compete in a 2.4-mile swim, 112 mile bike ride and a
26.2 mile run triathlon on one end of the scale, to old coots like me, who take
a walk around the block and brag about it all day. But, more than sports and
fitness fanatics, we’re a country of equipment fanatics. No matter what the
sport, no matter how slight the fitness routine, we load up on equipment!
Take golfers; I golf, but you can’t consider me a true
golfer. My clubs are decades old. When I step to the tee with my ancient
driver, a roar of laughter sweeps across the course, messing up golfers in
their back swing five fairways away. And, that’s before anyone sees my swing. I
don’t care. I still shoot my age, usually around the 15th hole. But,
real golfers are equipment buyers: new drivers with bigger heads and adjustment
screws that are guaranteed to get rid of that awful slice and add twenty yards
to your drives – exotic putters that will cut six strokes off your round –
reengineered balls that go farther – special unbreakable tees that hold the
ball at the perfect height and angle, not to mention the shirts, shorts,
raingear and shoes that make you, not only look better, but play better.
All sports are like this. Running shoes, hiking shoes,
walking shoes, cross training shoes. No single shoe will do. Take a bike ride?
Sure, on a $5,000, zero weight velocipede wearing spandex bike shorts and
shirt, shod in an expensive pair of interlocking bike shoes. Even Little League
baseball players have better uniforms, batting gloves and other accessories
than the major league New York Yankees did back when I was a kid.
The fitness world is just as bad. Every week there’s a new
apparatus unveiled on TV that’s guaranteed to get rid of that tummy flab, thigh
bulge and under arm droop. Skiers, hikers, swimmers – you name it and I’ll show
you a list of “must have” gear. Swimming goggles and a suit? No, you need
training fins, hand paddles, spandex suits and underwater watches. All sport
and fitness activities require electronic devices to go with the activity. It’s
not enough to take a jog; you have to know how many calories you burned, your
rate of speed, your max heart rate, the number of steps you took and a graphic
display of your training regimen that would befuddle a science professor of
yesteryear. How else would you know you were having a good time? A sweaty shirt
and the need to catch your breath just doesn’t cut it anymore.
The last time I was in Florida I got to see just how far
this trend has gone. A group of seniors signed up for a walking program. I
spotted them doing laps in the park. They all wore brand new “walking” shoes
and held a walking stick in each hand. An instructor barked orders to them,
“Step to the left, stick to the right. Step to the right, stick to the left.”
Half the group did the opposite; they got pulled aside for one-on-one training.
My favorite was the guy holding the sticks in the air, who shooed the
instructor away, “Leave me alone! I know how to walk!” When I stopped laughing,
I hopped on my crossover, hybrid, 21-speed bicycle and peddled home, but at
least I wasn’t wearing Spandex (or a helmet).
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