March 19, 2014 Article

The Old Coot knows how to say thank you.
By Merlin Lessler

I watched the Academy Awards the other night. I’m not an adoring fan of the Hollywood set, but the “Oscars” usually provide a gaff or two that make it worth watching. Oh sure, I appreciate a good acting performance, just like I appreciate the plumber when he fixes my sink (especially after I tried and failed) and the guy who makes my pizza. They’re great at what they do, as much or more so than the actor or actress that hits their mark on a stage or studio set. But, I’m at odds with the people who put movie starts on a pedestal, above the guy who fixes their car.

Just once, I’d like to see a winner accept the Oscar, turn to the audience, Say, “Thank you,” and walk off the stage. Instead of going through an endless list of names that nobody in the viewing audience knows or wants to know, thanking them for their help, without which they couldn’t have performed so excellently; the make up person, the director, the screen play writer, (everyone but the security guard at the studio gate). Just say, “Thank you,” and SHUT UP! Instead, we are treated to an unending stream of incoherent drivel until the stage crew drags the ego in a suit (or dress) off the stage.

What a horrible world it would be if we all acted that way. “Dear, that was a great dinner!” – “Why thank you. And the electrician that connected the stove, the grocery store clerk that bagged the ingredients, the old coot who stopped his car before backing over me in the parking lot and my mom and dad for teaching me to open a can and use the microwave and blah, blah, blah.”

Even a simple thing like holding a door open for a person would turn into an elongated acceptance speech, “I owe it all to the carpenter who installed the hinges and the knob, the architect who made the space wide enough to fit through, but most of all, to my third grade teacher, who taught me how to turn a knob and inspired me to keep working until I mastered the skill.

Oh yes, the Academy Awards offer so many examples of how not to behave; it’s definitely worth watching, especially if you’re out of the loop and forced to keep asking, Who is that?” and, “What are they talking about?” You do it so often that everyone in the room eventually turns to you and says, “Would you please shut up!” Which is exactly what you’d like the audience at the Oscars to say to the winner 15 seconds into an acceptance speech. And now, I’ll take my own advice, and shut up.