January 15, 2014 Article

The Old Coot prepares for a tuna free future.

By Merlin Lessler

I made myself a tuna fish sandwich the other day. The “Deluxe” version (That means I toasted the bread.) I have to be careful when I do this. Every once in a while I open a can of Fancy Feast cat food by mistake. I know cat food is in my future. All old coots get there eventually. But for now, I’m safe. Tuna for humans is about the same price as tuna for cats. I’m not too worried anyhow. Our friends down the block had a Halloween party a few years back. Nuts and chips and other munchies were scattered about the house. I stood by the window snacking on a bowl of treats that were put there for the cat. Dee Dee screamed, “You’re eating cat food!” I took a few more handfuls before she yanked the bowl off the windowsill and put it away. It was pretty good. Not much different than the snack mix on the coffee table.

But, back to the tuna I had for lunch the other day. It was cheap, $1.19 for a 5-ounce can. I read the label as I ate; a lot of people do that, not just old coots. Not much there though: an Omega 3 symbol, an American Heart Association certificate, a bee wearing a chef’s hat and some nutritional information. I prefer to read cereal boxes. They sit right in front of you at eye level. The boxes I read today aren’t as good as when I was a kid and a Wheaties box sat on the table. That box kept me occupied all the way through a whole bowl of the soggy mush. I didn’t like Wheaties any better than the lumpy oatmeal we often had, but what can you do when Mickey Mantle is staring you in the eye and the box claims to be the breakfast of champions. Today, I keep company with a box of Raisin Bran. It’s a lot better than Wheaties and the box has a “word-find” puzzle on it. Much better reading than the self-serving, nutritional bragging that covers most cereal boxes today. 

OK, OK, back to the tuna; I’m really wandering today. Trouble is brewing for tuna lovers. Cat food may enter our diet plans sooner than expected, at least for us old guys. The price is destined to go sky high. Last year a blue fin tuna sold for $1,760,000 in a Tokyo fish auction - $3,600 a pound compared to the $3.23 a pound I paid for the tuna that graced my lunch table the other day. That tuna, was only slightly more expensive than cat food. It’s just a matter of time before the sushi bidders in Japan drive up the worldwide price of all types of tuna. I should start mixing a little cat food in with mine when I have it for lunch, so it won’t be such a “taste” shock when I’m priced out of the market and forced to subsist on cat food alone. I just hope when that day comes, I don’t shed as much as our cat, Roosevelt.