January 8, 2014 Article

The Old Coot is under investigation.

     “The stadium lights went out during the big game,” an on scene newscaster will report, and then turn to a stadium official for a statement. “The stadium lights went out during the big game. I can’t say more than that. It’s under investigation.” It’s the same story everywhere; school officials, municipal officials, corporate spokespeople, FAA bureaucrats. None of them will ever tell you what’s going on, what happened, or didn’t happen. They always say, “It’s under investigation!”

      Even when they know, which is most of the time, they hide behind the “investigation” shield. To save themselves from blurting out the truth. And, the investigation isn’t about searching for the facts. Primarily, it’s about how the facts can be massaged to keep their image intact. It works! By the time they get around to “revealing” the (now dressed up) facts, we’ve lost interest or have completely forgotten the incident. 

      It’s a strategy I’m adopting. My public image is constantly going to pot, because I don’t protect it like corporations and public officials do. Like the day I kicked over the ladder and got stranded on the roof – or -the slip I took off the top of a garbage can trying to cram 40 gallons of trash into a 30 gallon can (ending up a little shorter and minus a disc in my back) – or - the backward summersault I performed getting out of a bag chair on the hill in Hickories Park – or - the dunking I took when I rammed my canoe into the riverbank and flipped it over, forcing me to walk through town looking like a drowned rat (nobody noticed the difference).

      When those things happened, I foolishly told the truth. Not anymore! My wife asked me what happened to her flower patch (I grazed it with the lawnmower). I played my hand. “I can’t say; it’s under investigation.” The building inspector and a member of the Historic Preservation Commission wanted to know what I was doing to the side porch. “I can’t say; it’s under investigation.” A couple of readers I’d insulted with a thoughtless Old Coot opinion had the editor quiz me about it. Out came my “under investigation” response. I can’t wait for my image to start improving.  Maybe I can venture out in public again.