July 24, 2013 Article

The Old Coot lives in the fast lane.

By Merlin Lessler

I went through the express line in the supermarket the other day. Old coots always go through the express line. We buy one or two things and get out the door as fast as we can. We are grocery store challenged. Because of old memories; memories of standing in a long line behind overloaded shopping carts, holding a carton of milk and a loaf of bread, the only two items we were capable of purchasing without messing up. Bread and milk were easy in those days; there were two choices for milk (quart size or ½ gallon) and three for bread (sliced sandwich bread, hot dog rolls, hamburger buns). Hard to mess up!

We stood there holding our bread and milk, watching the shoppers in front of us as the clerk searched each item for a price sticker and entered it into an enormous mechanical cash register. It was a long slow process and the clerk was nervous because the customers watched every move like a hawk, poised to pounce if she made a mistake. 

Agony is what it was, standing there at the end of the line. Then, the express lane was invented. One of the top 10 innovations of the 20^th century, right up there with the Chia Pet. If you had five items or less, you could skip past the aisles of agony. You didn’t dare make eye contact with people in the slow lines, but you could feel their resentment; it made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. So, you kept your eyes down and hopped into the lifeboat, ignoring the principle of, “Women and children first!”

The number of items allowed in the express lane has grown over the years. It started with 5 and gradually expanded to 12. At that level you could still check the other shoppers to make sure they weren't cheating. But, the express line I was in the other day allowed 20 items. It was too hard to see if the other customers counted correctly, though I tried. And, the line didn’t move nearly as fast as it used to.

Pretty soon, one of the supermarket chains will wise up and start an “express-express” line. The old one will remain, the 20 or less one. The new, “double express” line, will be restricted to 5 items. I’ll use it with my loaf of bread and carton of milk and smile to myself as I beat the 20 or less customers out the door. 

It still won’t compare to the system at John’s Fine Food, The Community Shop or Thompson’s Grocery Store where they ring a buzzer or yell to the back for help the second things start to back up. A swarm of workers put aside what they are doing and rush to the front to help get customers bagged up and out the door. No, there is nothing like a small town, locally owned grocery store. Every line is an express line!