July 3, 2013 Article

The Old Coot finds a bargain?

By Merlin Lessler

“Welcome to my spider web!” That’s what we should hear when we’re exposed to an ad for something with an introductory price or a trial offer. But instead, we blissfully sign up for the NY Times at a special rate, or Time Warner, or Direct TV or any of the multitudes of offerings from “spiders” who spin an “introductory price” web across our path. Can you tell from my tone that I’ve fallen prey to one of these schemes?

Actually, more than one has tempted me to put aside my, “there is no free lunch,” skepticism and sign on the dotted line. It starts out great. You get the NY Sunday Times delivered to your front door for $4 a week, not the $6 you’ve been paying at the store. Every four weeks your credit card gets zinged for $16. You hardly notice it on the monthly statement. Then, the spider climbs into the web and feasts on your altered decision making capability. The $16 debit every four weeks changes to $28.

When you finally get around to noticing it, three or four months later, you realize you’ve been had. You go to their web site with the mistaken idea that you will cancel your subscription. You soon discover that you have to call them if you want to opt out. So, you grab your phone, a book to read, a snack and dial the 800 number. Eventually, you weave your way through the queue and hear, “Your call is important to us; a representative will be with you shortly.” You hear it 1,500 times before a person comes on the line. By then, you’ve finished the book and polished off the snack; you’re tired, hungry and a little numb. In this weakened state, you fight your way through a gauntlet of new offers hurled at you to get you to change your mind.

Finally, the rep realizes that nothing will work; you are going to cancel the service. “OK sir, (you tell by her tone that she really means, old coot, not sir) I will process your request; it will go into effect on September 1^st.”  - “September?” you reply. “Why can’t you make it effective right away, like you did when I signed up?” You then get a series of scripted, mumble jumble, policy and process reasons, but you sense that none of this is factual. You insist on immediate termination and you get it. (Well, almost. Two more weeks of the Times is better than waiting until September). You pound your chest in victory like Tarzan and hang up.

But, you did it! Sure, you got hosed for a few months. Several months. Ok, for a year and a half. But you’re out, and except for a promo in the mail every other week and a sales call now and then it’s behind you. “That will never happen again,” you tell yourself, while reading through an ad from Direct TV with a special introductory price of $24.50 a month for 9,000 channels. And then, reach for the phone.