The Old Coot can't open anything. Published 10/09/2024

 The Old Coot is “opener” challenged.

By Merlin Lessler

 I can’t open anything! Well, almost anything. It’s not just because I’m an old coot. You know what we’re like – weak muscles, arthritis in the fingers, limited vision, etc. No, it’s not me, it’s the package and bottle makers. The latest manifestation I had with this issue was opening a bottle of water. Two issues there – the bottle material is thin, and the cap is so small it’s hard to grip. They are small on soda bottles too, but not that small, and not as hard to open.

Those water bottles get me every time. I grip on the tiny cap and grasp the body of the bottle which is made of ultra-thin plastic. So thin, it squishes in the middle, looking like an hourglass. I strain, grasp and twist, in what I think is a macho-man effort. When it finally does break free, a geyser erupts, spraying me and anyone nearby. It’s best not to do this on an airplane. I learned that lesson the hard way.

Those bottles are not the only containers that cause me consternation on a regular basis. Opened a can of Campbell’s soup lately? They now have a lift off lid with a tab attached to pull it off with. The company thinks a can opener is beyond our capability. The tab is tiny and hard to lift. When you do get it up and give it a yank, nothing happens. So, you give it a he-man yank. It breaks free of the can and the soup sloshes all over the place. It’s best to open it over the sink.

It's not just liquid products that I have opening issues with. Even a bag of chips causes me a problem. I have to use my teeth to break into it, or pull it from each side, getting a potato chip shower when it breaks apart.

My list of hard to open items is getting longer and longer. How about that little metal cover under the cap on a tube of toothpaste? It has a microscopic tab to pull it off with. I use the tweezers in my Swiss Army Knife. A handy tool that helps me survive in a world of irksome food and beverage containers. The first multi-purpose knife I had ended up in the hands of a TSA agent at the Elmira Airport. I hope he’s putting it to good use, opening his containers. Or better yet, he gave it to his favorite old coot, who will be forever grateful.

Comments? Send to mlessler7@gmail.com