The Old Coot is a
second-rate opener.
By Merlin Lessler
I was struggling to get
the cap off a plastic water bottle the other day. You’d think it would be a
simple task. All you have to do is, grip the bottle and twist off the cap. But,
it’s not so easy, because plastic bottle material is so thin, that when you
grasp it, it squishes in half and looks like an hourglass. If you’re an old
coot, it’s hard to get a firm grip on the tiny cap. You squeeze harder and
harder on the bottle and twist as hard as you can on the cap. So hard, that the
hidden vein in your forehead makes an appearance, as if to ask, “What’s going
on?” When the cap finally breaks loose, the water erupts from the bottle, like Old
Faithful in Yellowstone National Park.
That’s why I get my water
from the tap. I miss the good old beverage container days. When the bottle was made
of glass and topped with a metal, fluted, cork lined cap. Sure, you needed a can
opener (church key) to open it, but they came free with a beverage purchase.
Or, you could use the built-in opener in coke machine, which were located all
over the place. Most of the time we didn’t need any of that stuff; the
jack-knives we carried in our pockets had a bottle opener blade.
Some of the caps had a
surprise under the cork lining, if you had the patience and took the time to scrape
it off. You might find a dollar sign, entitling you to a free soda. Or an ace,
king, queen, jack or ten card. When you collected a royal flush, you won a
special prize. Most often, you found a message that said, “You will be thirsty
again in one hour.” Those cork lined, metal fluted caps, were in use from 1892
until 1960. You would think I’d have gotten over it by now, and I would have,
if I didn’t get a shower every time I opened a cheap, thin, plastic water
bottle.
Comments? – Send to
mlessler7@gmail.com
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