The
Old Coot is getting “nosey,”
By
Merlin Lessler
I
looked in the mirror the other day, really looked for a change. Not my normal,
quick glance that fills in the image with a memory of how I appeared years ago,
making me think I’m not really an old man. That mirror showed many defects, a bigger
nose to start with. It was “as plain as the nose on my face,” yet I hadn’t
noticed.
Then,
I saw the ears. They weren’t mine! I never had saucers sticking out of the side
of my head like that, had I? This must be some cruel trick. But, it wasn’t.
Something was going on here; I was seeing it for the first time. I looked
again. “Has my forehead ever been that big? And that far back?” The more I
looked, the more I found. Too bad they don’t give you a manual when you sign up
for Social Security to prepare you for the body alterations that will come your
way.
Like
that bag of skin that keeps your insides protected from the outside world. All
of a sudden, it starts to sag. It’s the opposite of that saying, “Two pounds of
bologna in a one pound bag.” Now, I’m one pound of bologna in a two pound bag. Skin
that’s sagging and wrinkling all over the place and thinning out so much that every
time it gets a good bump, it bruises or bleeds. I can’t fix it with Botox – it
would take too much fill it; I’d look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy
Just
great! If this keeps up, I’ll eventually have to braid my earlobes and tie them
behind my neck and buy glasses with wider and wider nose pieces. So, here I am,
big nose, big ears, arm muscles that are powered by rubber bands. When I’m in a
movie theater, in a seat in the middle of a row, I sit in fear that a cramp will
grab my leg, forcing me to swim over my seatmates to the aisle to kick it out.
Yet, it’s the best time of my life! A period of low expectations. Nobody
expects much of you when you’re an old coot. “Look at the old guy; he just raked
his yard. Amazing!” We take advantage of it, us old guys. None of that,
“Failure is not an option,” macho stuff for us. Failure is our best friend. It
evokes pity, which is way underrated. It’s as good as, if not better, than
praise. No sense to look with apprehension on getting old. It truly is the
golden age of your life. Enjoy it when it comes. Big nose and all.
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