The First Old Coot article – Invasion of the ladder people.
By Merlin Lessler
I took a sabbatical last month –
no old coot articles for 4 weeks, ending a string of 827 articles in a row.
Now, I’m starting over, resubmitting that first article that was published
November 27, 2002. I hope it’s the restart of something good.
If you walk down the pleasant
streets of Owego, you’ll notice a proliferation of ladders leaning against
historic clapboard homes. At first blush, you might think the homeowners of our
quaint village are an ambitious lot, tackling one restoration project or
another on their 150-year-old houses. You’d be wrong!
I stroll through town every
morning, on a meandering route to Dunkin Donuts or the Awakenings Coffee House
and back home again, sipping coffee and listening to Imus on my Walkman. I do
an inventory of the projects underway in the village, mostly looking for
techniques to keep my 197-year-old house in good repair with minimal effort.
I’ve learned that the ladders are props, a last-ditch effort by the male
occupants of the dwelling against which they lean to avoid a job that’s been
held off for two years or more. And, husbands are not the only ones guilty of
this rouse. Many home repair contractors employ the same tactic.
Husbands resort to this
“ladder-lean” strategy at the end of a protracted domestic conversation that
goes something like this.
(September, year 1) - “Honey, the
east side of the house is starting to peel. Do you think you should paint it
before it gets worse?” (reply) “Yea, I guess. But I don’t want to do it till
spring. Why have the new paint face six months of bad weather?”
(April, year 1) – “Honey, are you
going to start painting the house?” (reply) “Yea, but it’s too damp and cold.
I’ll get to it when it warms up a little.”
(May, year one) – “The weather
looks good now honey; are you going to start painting?” (reply) “Yea, but not till after Memorial Day.”
(June, year one) – “Honey,
Memorial Day has passed. Why don’t you get cooking?” (reply) “I want to wait
till the kids get out of school. The school busses spew out a ton of diesel
soot starting and stopping in the neighborhood; it will ruin the finish.”
July – too hot.
August – too muggy.
September – after Labor Day.
October – too cold at night; the
paint won’t dry properly.
(May- year two) – “Honey, the
house is a disgrace! The paint is coming off in bushel basketsful. I’m
embarrassed to go out and get the mail!” (reply) “I’m on it babe. I just need a
few weeks to figure out what supplies I’ll need to get it done. You don’t want
me to do a slip-shod job do you?”
(June – year two) – “Honey, the
kids can’t play in the yard anymore and there are so many paint chips on the
lawn that the dog refuses to leave the house. Are you going to paint the house,
or do I have to call a professional?” (reply) “I’m starting it this weekend.
Jeesh, give me a break, would you!”
On Saturday a ladder gets placed
against the east side of the building. The project has officially begun, but
other than setting up the ladder, no actual work has taken place. A new line of
dialog begins; the ladder buys another year of inaction, two if the husband is
a clever old coot.
A similar exchange takes place
between homeowners and home-improvement contractors, but the game is initiated
with a sign, not a ladder. The second the contractor gets the job he puts his
sign in front of the house, announcing, “Another quality remodeling job by
Cracker-Jack & Sons Inc.” The sign is the only activity for two months, in
spite of twenty heated phone calls from the homeowner. Then, the ladder ploy is
used; followed a month later by scaffolding and miscellaneous equipment. At the
peak of the conflict, the contractor arranges for lumber to be delivered,
usually in a manner that blocks the driveway. This trick is designed to prevent
the homeowner from hiring a new contractor. It takes two letters from an
attorney before a single board is cut. The job then goes forward in spurts:
three days of intense activity, two weeks of no activity, sixteen angry phone calls,
and a repeat of the pattern until completion.
There are many
variations of this construction-delaying tactic: blue tarps on roofs, an “X”
taped on a broken window, three rows of new siding installed; it’s running
rampant in many towns across America. Psychologists call it “male performance
deficiency syndrome.” I call it, “The Invasion of the Ladder People.” Take a
walk through your town. You’ll see what I mean.
Comments?
Complaints? Send to mlessler7@gmail.com
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