The
Old Coot throws Bruce under the bus.
By
Merlin Lessler
This
subject came from Bruce Haight, a Binghamton Central High School graduate,
circa 1965 that I met in Vero Beach, Florida while swapping lies about the good
old days with an eclectic, older group (older than Bruce) of Central High
graduates. He’s not quite an old coot, but well along in the training program.
The topic is a result of a wifely suggestion to him, that he not make such a
mess in the bathroom when he uses the sink, with splashes all over the place,
on the mirror, on the wall, all around the sink surround, on the floor and
below the towel rack where he’s shoved a wadded up, wet towel. “It looks like a raccoon was in here,
washing up for his evening meal,” remarked Bruce’s wife. (Probably not for the
first time.)
We’re
not good custodians of bathrooms, us old coots and men in general. Splashes and wadded up towels, seats left
up, empty toilet paper rolls. We’re not just messy raccoons, we’re also blind
as bats when it comes to noticing the disasters we leave behind. It’s not our fault. Underneath our modern facade lies a cave
man. Our species has evolved, but those of us with an X and Y chromosome have
not kept pace with the more evolved, two X-chromosome branch. Old coots
especially, and most men in general, are not much improved from when our
ancestors huddled in those dank caves and proposed marriage with a hefty wooden
club. We’ve retained much of that caveman persona. It’s that lipstick on a pig
thing. Slather it on, but you still have a pig underneath.
Put
us in front of a sink and we’re back at the stream outside the cave, washing up
next to a raccoon. Both of us tossing water in the air with more gusto than
“Old Faithful” at Yellowstone National Park. We make no distinction between the
stream and a modern bathroom. Our wives try to make us civilized but it’s an
effort that goes unrewarded. Even when they convince us to install a vanity
with two sinks, we splatter so much that both areas are covered with puddles.
Separate bathrooms might work, but the real solution is to send us to clean up
in the backyard with a water hose. A lot cheaper than remodeling the bathroom.
The raccoon would love our company; it’s been a long time since we washed up
together.
Comments?
Complaints? Send to – mlessler7@gmail.com
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