February 28, 2018 Article

The Old Coot can’t open anything.

By Merlin Lessler

Reading glasses – check. Scissors – check. Wire cutters – check. Jackknife – check. Multi-head screwdriver - Allen wrench combo – Check! That’s five Checks! So, I’m ready to face the day. OPENING THINGS! Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to open anything! A bag of chips? Good luck! I pull on each side, hoping the seal at the top will let go and satisfy my craving for salt. No go. I’m too weak, (apparently) to pull it open, or, if it does cooperate, it bursts, sending chips everywhere. So, having finally admitted I can’t open anything, I pull out my scissors and snip the top.

Later, I attack one of those “Easy open trays” of deli meat. Easy open? Not until I get my reading glasses to figure out where the separation point is between the top and the body of the container. Sometimes I can force my fingernail between the two components, but most often I have to pull out my jackknife, slip the blade in and pry the two halves apart.

Bought your kid or grandkid a toy lately? Then you know what a challenge it is to get the darn thing free of its enclosure. It’s more securely attached to the container than astronauts belted in for takeoff. This is a job for the wire cutters, to snip the several plastic straps keeping an impatient four-year old from his new toy. Snip, snip, snip and you’re good to go. Unless, the gift is battery-operated. Remember when it was no big deal? You opened the compartment and inserted a battery or two. Unfortunately, some kid in East Podunk ate a battery and his parents sued the toy manufacturer. Now, we are saddled with tamperproof battery compartments. When it started out, you could get in using a small screwdriver, but these days you are often confronted with a hexagonal, or some other, odd shaped screw head, for which you aren’t prepared (thus the need for a multi-head screwdriver -Allen wrench combo tool. Never give a little kid a toy in factory packaging. Open it, energize it, check that it works, then wrap it up for presentation.

Everything is like this: food, toys, medicine, electronics. MAKING AMERICA SAFE! Don’t fight it. Admit you can’t open anything and have your tool kit with you at all times.

Comments, complaints – send to mlessler7@gmail.com