October 4, 2017 Article

The Old Coot is under attack!

By Merlin Lessler

I’m ready to go to the police. To file a harassment complaint. I’ve had it! This constant assault on my mental stability, my anxiety level, my well-being. BY MY CELL PHONE! I’m going through the day having a wonderful time doing old coot stuff, like checking around to see who has the best early bird special and my phone attacks me, “Your battery is getting dangerously low, only 35% remaining; plug it in immediately!” Or, some such paranoid outburst. “Plug me in or I’m going to shift to an energy saving state and you’ll be sorry,” it continues. The process reminds me of the Jimmy Carter era, when he bugged us to turn down the thermostats to save energy, wearing a cardigan to show that he was doing it.  

 My phone is more insistent than Carter was. Besides, I view a 35% battery level as quite sufficient; I’m getting around with a lower percentage of energy than that and I’m doing just fine, now that I’ve added an 11am nap to my recharging schedule. I’m up at five or six in the morning, take my first nap at nine, another at four, and now my new nap, an hour before lunchtime. These naps only last for five minutes or so, but they allow me to function with a glass half full, so to speak.

My phone doesn’t agree. It has a “glass half empty” personality. I try to ignore its panicky pleading, but at every new low, it yells at me. It is harassment, pure and simple! It used to be worse. Every App on my phone was after me: You have a new e-mail – I-Heart Radio has added new features - Facebook has notices for you. – The Weather Channel has an alert. I figured out how to turn off all those notices. But, I can’t figure out how to turn off the battery level hysteria program.

It wouldn’t be this bad if the programmers that create software would ask old coots to provide input. Maybe, a focus group or two. We’d tell them to change the battery warnings, from harassing to nurturing. Have the screen say, “Wow! – You have 35% battery left; that’s a lot! Enjoy!” Or, “Wow- Your battery is running down. Soon you will be out of touch; won’t that be nice!” We’re out here, but nobody asks.

Comments? Complaints? Send to mlessler7@gmail.com