September 6, 2017 Article

The Old Coot says, “You stink!”

By Merlin Lessler

Old guys are nice. Especially, old guys who’ve graduated from Old Coot University. If you stink, they say, “You stink!” It could be anything you stink at: mowing the lawn and leaving clippings all over the sidewalk - singing karaoke and making the crowd wince when you screech off key (though you feel you’re headed to stardom) -  broil a steak on the grill that you call perfect, but it’s black on both sides, tough as shoe leather and inedible. Most of the time, no one says anything, or if they do, you get, “Good job,” about as meaningful as the “participation” trophy kids are handed at the end of a soccer season, a season where every game ended in a tie. But, that’s not what you get from old coots. We say, “You stink!” And, not just at your performance, but when you actually stink, reek, or otherwise offend the olfactory nerves of those around you. It’s a kindness, to be told you stink when you don’t know it. That’s just one of the positive contributions that we old coots make to society.

We weren’t always as blunt as that: we too, ignored the obvious, in a misguided effort to avoid hurting people’s feelings. But, we eventually learned to say, “You stink!” when it’s warranted (and ignored by everyone else). We learned the hard way, by hanging around with old men when we were in “old coot” training. -  “Hey Lessler! Do you know your sweater’s on inside out and backwards? Ha, Ha, Ha!”  -  Or, “Hey Lessler, did you decide not to comb your hair today or is that your new fashion statement? Ha, Ha, Ha!” - or -  “Hey Lessler, do you always leave your car door open when you go into a restaurant? Or don’t you have enough strength to shut it and want me to go do it for you. Ha, Ha, Ha!” Saying nothing, or worse, saying, “Good job,” is not a kindness; it’s mean.

An enlightened person, when confronted with a “truth” pronouncement from an old coot, says “Thank you.” Let’s face it, you want to know this stuff, despite the embarrassment it causes. A little one-on-one embarrassment is better than prancing around with your pants on backwards, coordinated with a wingtip shoe on one foot and a sneaker on the other as you go from table to table in a restaurant, asking if anyone found your glasses while a pair of bifocals rest on the top of your head. The next time an old coot tells you, “You stink,” (or the equivalent), just say, “Thank you.” It will save you from going around with a long stream of toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe or an enchanting smile adorned with a piece of spinach stuck in your teeth.  “You’re welcome.”

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