August 23, 2017 Article

Old Coot Joins the Mole People.

By Merlin Lessler

Well, it’s happened again. I’m forced to change my ways to fit into a changing world. This time it’s drastic. I have to become a mole person, to learn to live in the dark. I’ll have to function between eleven at night and six in the morning. The rest of the day I’ll sit idle and keep my electric usage at a minimum. NYSEG launched a “Smart Meter” program with the installation of the first such device in an Ithaca residence last month. Smart meters are expected to be installed in 1.2 million customer’s homes by 2022 at a cost of $400 per meter. I did the math; that’s a $480,000,000 expense. I sure don’t want to be stuck with the bill, so I’m becoming a mole person.

These meters are really smart; they keep track of when you’re using electricity so NYSEG can charge you based on the instantaneous cost on the grid. More people use electricity during the day, so the price will be higher than at night. There are several periods when the cost will be astronomical, like at the wake-up hour, when factories and offices are firing up and a legion of teenagers are into their morning ritual, the “hour of shower.” I’ll have to alter my life style to fit into this evolving high-tech metering world. The cheapest rate will be between 11 pm and 6 am. That’s the only time I’ll be able to afford the stuff. I’ll live out my life in the dark; I’ll turn into a mole person.

It’s like being in grade school all over again, except this time around it’s not a tattletale telling the teacher that I’m chewing gum in class, it’s a smart meter telling the NYSEG billing people that I turned on the dishwasher at noon. The theory is, when I get the bill for using electricity at peak periods, I’ll change my ways. (Provided they can revive me after seeing what I owe). I’m not going to wait until my new meter arrives; I’m converting myself into a mole person now. It’s going to be hard. I’ll get up at 11 pm, take a shower, turn on the TV and start the coffee maker. Electricity should be cheaper at that time of day. Then I’ll put on my miner’s hat, switch on the built-in light and go out and mow the lawn. I hope the neighbors don’t complain. But what can you do? When I finish the yard work, I’ll take a stroll into downtown Owego. The Owego Kitchen, Carol’s Art & Coffee Bar and Dunkin Donuts will be closed. Harris Diner will be closed. Riverow Books will be closed. I won’t have any place to stop for a chat. After a while, people will wonder what happened to the Old Coot, why he’s not around anymore.   

My whole identity will be stripped away. I won’t be the nice old guy you see around the village. I’ll be that weirdo that slinks through town in the dark, in a minor’s helmet. Eventually, I’ll get stopped by the police and questioned about my odd behavior. They’ll ask me my name and I’ll have a senior moment. I won’t be able to come up with an answer. They’ll take me away. My family will report me missing. You’ll see my picture on bulletin boards in supermarkets and on utility poles, right next to the photos of missing cats and dogs.

Maybe that’s what they had in mind, the real reason they came up with the smart meter. They want to rid the world of old coots. I found out who’s to blame. It isn’t exactly NYSEG. The Public Service Commission is the instigator behind the scene. You know, the same group of zealots who made the utilities sell their generating plants and now force us to select a supplier every year or so. They said it would introduce competition into the marketplace and give us choices and lower prices. That didn’t work out so hot, so now they have a new plan, “smart meters.” I tried to call the PSC to complain. I called at 11 pm, during my mole hours, so the electricity I used in looking up their number was the cheap stuff. But nobody was there. An answering machine picked up and told me to call between 8am and 5pm. Apparently, they aren’t getting ready for a smart meter at their place. They probably haven’t bought any minor helmets either.

Comments? Complaints? Send to – mlessler7@gmail.com