August 10, 2016 Article

The Old Coot is a gift consultant.

By Merlin Lessler

It’s your wife’s birthday. What to get her? A dress? A bathing suit? Flip-flops? You know better. You’ve been married long enough not to make those mistakes again. And, you also know better than to buy her something with a handle. Like that vacuum cleaner you gave her one Christmas. Or that new set of copper bottom pots and pans you anxiously watched her unwrap on your third anniversary. You definitely know what not to get her.

But what to do? Buy her flowers? That usually works, except the last two times the ones you picked out wilted in one day (that darn gas station). Candy? Not politically correct in these days of weight obsession. Maybe it was OK back when the Ozzie & Harriet Show was on TV, but that era ended 60 years ago.

If you buy her a “thing,” you will miss the mark. You won’t get it on sale or with a coupon or on double discount, senior Wednesday. Oh sure the hand made Italian shoulder bag you picked out last year was perfect, but you paid retail. A disappointment instead of a positive.

So, what should you do? You’ve gone through the list of things that husbands a handed along the marriage license: took her out to dinner and a show, on mini-trips, even had a surprise party for her at the Elk’s club. But this time you know there is something she wants. A new coat. Now that you’ve exhausted your list and made all the mistakes you can put your acquired wisdom to work and give her the best gift of all. The gift of shopping! You know she wants a coat because one of her 1,300 hints finally made it through to you. Perfect! Put a gift card in an envelope with a thoughtful birthday card. No cute cats or monkeys on the front, and definitely no little old lady with stockings rolled down to her shoes, a flower hat on her head and holding a martini glass with false teeth floating next to the olive.

A gift card and a nice card, that’s it. Not only will she get exactly what she wants (the new coat), she’ll get to go on a quest and search for the best buy, maximizing coupons, secret sales and a special, “extra” credit day discount to land the prize. It’s the best gift ever. Shopping.

Oh sure, this advice qualifies as sexist, 20^th Century thinking. And, it may not fit everyone’s situation, but it will work in a lot of cases. More than some of you are willing to admit. This advice is politically incorrect, dated and just plain useless. Or, is it? You tell me.

Comments, complaints? Send to mlessler7@gmail.com