April 29, 2015 Article

The Old Coot is tied up in knots.

By Merlin Lessler

Someone must have designed them that way; it can’t be a natural phenomenon. I take out my ear buds, jam them in my pocket, pop into the Goatboy Coffeebar to get a small coffee to go, and in the minute and one half it takes, the cord to the ear buds tangles into knots that any good boy scout would envy. Two in the main body, a sheepshank in the line to the left earpiece, a granny knot in the right.

Every wire I deal with does the same thing: the charger cord to my cell phone, the USB cord I use to transfer information to and from the computer, even the big fat extension cord I use outside to run the leaf blower. I take extra care rolling it up, place it gently on a hook in the garage, turn my back, and it has two knots in it. If I tied a knot in it I’d have to make a loop and pull the end through it; the cord does this on its own without moving. Throw it on the rack; wait ten seconds, take it off and presto, it’s tied in a knot.

Unfortunately, this self-knotting characteristic only applies to things I don’t want to knot. Things I do, like shoelaces, won’t stay tied no matter how hard I try. I bend over, no small feat for an old coot, tie my shoe laces in tight knots and before I walk half a block, one of them comes undone. I go down on one knee, since my back is already sore from the initial effort, and retie it into a double knot, pull it tight and continue on my way. Soon enough, I’m kneeling down again; the second one has come undone.

If you observed me waking to town, you’d wonder, “Why does that old coot keep stopping and kneeling. Is he giving thanks for something? Does he have a kidney stone and the pain is sending him to his knees in agony?” I can never take a walk without someone pulling their car over to ask if I’m OK. I pull out my ear buds to reply, and then, when I’m on my way again, discover the wires are in a tangle. And of course, one of my shoelaces has come undone as well.

Even the garden hose is in on the joke. We have a stretchy one that extends fifty feet and recoils when you’re done using it. It did at first, anyway. Now, it has adopted a knotting and kinking process. I get out fifty feet, around the side of the car to wash out the wheel wells. Nothing! Not a single drop of water comes out. The hose has a kink in it, way back near the faucet. I hook the nozzle to the bumper so I won’t have to stretch it out again and take the walk of shame back to the kink and remove it. By the time I get back to the car, the hose has a knot in the middle and a new kink half way out. My ear buds have a knot too and of course, my shoe is untied. My friends tell me it’s not real, that I’m paranoid. The next one who says that is getting a recoiling hose for his birthday. See how he likes it.