The Old Coots audits a press conference.
By Merlin Lessler
There he is, and it usually is a he, at a press conference
podium explaining a giant and/or disgraceful mess up. Often, it’s a politician
riding the shame train, but it could just as well be the CEO of a major
corporation, the president of a prestigious university or an all-star athlete
on a major sports team. A team of experts stands at his side to provide the
“facts,” along with an attorney to tell him when to shut up. The well staged,
and well rehearsed, pseudo-drama starts with the “big” guy reading a prepared
statement. “I first want to apologize to the families that have been harmed by
my/our actions. If I could take it back, I would. Safety and security is one of
my/our utmost concerns.” (The statement is always read from notes; these guys
are incapable of speaking from the heart.
That’s the first thing about press conferences that gives me
such a chuckle. They ignored the situation, gave it the old stonewall strategy,
but public outcry didn’t go away and they were forced to hire a PR firm to
manage the damage, starting with a press conference, to demonstrate their
client’s openness and sincerity. Ha!
The press room is rarely equipped with a microphone in the
audience area, (I suppose on purpose) so as we watch on TV, the “culprit” leans
on the podium, stares off into space while a news reporter we can’t hear, asks
a question three times as long as the opening statement. The reporter has two
agendas: to make a name for him/herself and to get to the facts. The former
being more important than the latter. The culprit answers by first saying,
“That’s a very good question!” Which is code for, “I’m not touching that with a
ten-foot pole; watch me dance.
The conference continues in this disjointed fashion; the
stupes by his side take the mic from time to time; the lawyer interrupts to
prevent a response by saying the matter is under litigation and can’t be
discussed, or it violates some “made up” privacy regulation. The press
conference ends with the perpetrator stating he’s determined to get to the
bottom of this, has launched an intensive investigation and will cooperate
fully with the process.
That’s bad enough, but it’s not quite over. You think you’re
going to see the 2nd half of your favorite TV show that was
interrupted by the press conference, but you’re not. Now, the network takes you
back to their news center where a team of media experts has been assembled to
dissect the event, which, by the way, provided zero information. Still, they will
spend the rest of the hour examining every word uttered at the press
conference. No “Big Bang Theory” for
you tonight. Just, Big Bull!
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