December 11, 2013 Article

The Old Coot doesn’t know what century it is.

“You can’t afford that sir! It’s old, from the 18^th century.” He’s right! Not only can I not afford it, I can’t even figure out how old it is. I’m “century” challenged. When someone pulls out the “century” card, I drop out of the game. Oh sure, I can eventually figure it out, but I hate to do the math. Let’s see, in the first century the years don’t have a “hundreds” digit. The fifty-third year of the first century is just 53. The second century adds a “hundreds” digit, but it’s a 1, not a 2.The numerical year is out of sync with the century. 1805, the year our house was built, is the 5^th year of the 19^th century. I have to subtract to get the date. Century minus 100 years = the actual date. Ok, now I’m ready to go; “SUBTRACT 100,” I plant in my mind. Ten minutes later I ask myself, “Do I add 100 or subtract 100?”

Most of us in the great-unwashed crowd avoid using the “century” term. It’s not a four-letter word but it’s a bad word. Besides, it sounds snooty. Like the speaker is saying, “I’m smart, educated, sophisticated and you’re a dope.” Take the experts on the Antique Road Show. They never say something comes from the mid 1800’s, a date we could comprehend. They say it comes from the mid 19^th century, causing us to be confused. And to do the math. But we stumble with it. “Do I add or subtract a hundred years?” And back we go to the first century to figure it out.

I don’t do the math anymore; I just stand there blissfully ignorant, looking like an idiot. Which in my case, is a true reflection of my mental abilities. I cannot translate from century to years. It’s a foreign language; I need an interpreter at my side when I’m in the company of highbrows. If you speak in the “century” language, please give the rest of us a break and switch to the date. And, the same thing with you people who refer to time in military terms. Switch back to AM and PM when you talk to the rest of us. I can never figure out what you mean when you say it’s 17:45. Just tell me to be there at 5:45 in the afternoon, or 5:45 PM if you want to be more precise. But, not 17:45.

I don’t think this is an old coot affliction. The conversion problem with military time and century terminology affect people of all ages. As does the metric system. Another language that’s foreign to me. I can’t find a good app for my smart phone to resolve these issues. It’s as dumb as I am. So, I’ll continue to smile and look stupid when the high brows regale me with stories from the 15^th century, thankful that I at least know what this year is, though I’m not too sure of the month. Thankful, that I know the correct time, for half the day anyhow, and that a one-liter bottle is just a little bigger than the quart bottle I grew up with. It’s all part of a conspiracy to push us old coots out to pasture. I’m sorry. Wrong terminology. Let me restate it - it’s all part of a conspiracy to transform us into “free-range” old coots.