October 30, 2013 Article

The Old Coot can’t see clearly now.

By Merlin Lessler

I have four pair of glasses. Can’t find any of them! They’re just cheap reading glasses, but when I need to see something up close, they are nowhere to be found. I didn’t have this problem when I had just one pair. I always knew where they were. The problem started when I bought a second pair. I eased up on my vigilance to put them in their place when I wasn’t using them. I started spending more time looking for the glasses than I did looking through them.

So, I bought two more. That’s the problem with cheap glasses; they cost so little, even an old coot like me can afford to buy them by the bunch. But, now I have none. Not that I can put my hands on anyhow. They’re scattered about the house, hiding from me. Either that, or some crazed lunatic keeps breaking in and shoving them down between the sofa cushions, sliding them under tables, sticking them in coat pockets and worse yet, slipping them on top of my head where I can’t see them unless I happen to look up when I pass by a mirror.

I’m getting desperate! Not desperate enough to use eyeglass cords or chains, the kind you see on a lot of old coots. Their glasses hang down under their chins, like cowboy guns in holsters, ready for any visual challenge that comes their way. But not me; I have my principles. I may be an old coot, but I draw the line: no eyeglass chains, no belt and suspender combinations, no Velcro shoe fasteners (not yet), no slacks with an elastic waistband and most of all, no spandex bicycle pants.

The four pair of glasses dilemma stopped me from buying an extra set of keys for my car. They would just disappear like the glasses. It happened when I bought a second tape measure. When I had one, I could always find it in my toolbox. After I got a spare, both tapes disappeared. I’ll stick with the single set of car keys. If I lose them, I can do what I did with the first car I owned, a well used, 1953 Ford convertible. I paid $60.00. Cash! It didn’t have keys. I had to hot-wire it to go anyplace and take out the back seat to open the trunk.

I should have known right then I was headed for a rocky future. But what 19 year-old looks that far ahead. We think we’ll be young forever. Take warning you young people. You have a future with four pair of glasses in it. I hope you keep better track of yours than I do mine.