October 23, 2013 Article

The Old Coot is an early bird

By Merlin Lessler

Old coots are time challenged. They think 10 o’clock means 10 o’clock. A younger person, anyone between the age of 18 and 50, will say, “I’ll pick you up at 10 o’clock. The old coot writes it on the calendar and on a piece of sticky paper on the fridge. He’s ready to go at 9:45, doesn’t want to be late. He starts peeking out the window at 9:50, just in case the “young” person comes early. At 9:55 he steps out the door, thinking they will be there soon. He starts to get edgy at 9:58. “Where is he?” he says out loud, starting the “talking out loud to nobody” process.

At 10 on the dot he becomes exasperated. He stands there muttering for the next several minutes. Then he begins to wonder, “Did I get the time wrong? Do I have the wrong day?” He amps up his self doubt for 5 minutes and then dashes inside to check the note on the fridge. Sure enough, he got the time right; he got the day right. He hustles back outside in case Mr. Late showed up while he was in the house and claim that he is the one who is late. But, not a problem; Mr. Late is nowhere to be seen.

Eventually he shows up, close to 10:30. An emotionally exhausted old coot hops into the car and responds to, “Were you waiting long?” with, “No, I just came out a few minutes ago.” (Making a mental note to get even somehow.) He doesn’t want to let on that he’s time challenged. It’s a hidden affliction, but it steps to center stage every so often. Like, when he shows up at 7 o’clock, for a 7 o’clock cocktail party. The flabbergasted host answers the door wrapped in a towel and stares at the “early” arriver, then awkwardly sees him in and excuses himself to go back and finish his shower. He sticks his head in the bedroom door and says to his wife, “Guess what? That old coot is here already!”

Meanwhile, the old coot (not me, some other guy) is snooping around downstairs, checking the food spread on the table and the reserve supply in the fridge, thumbing through the books on the shelves, the magazines on the coffee table, the stuff in the front closet and the supplies in the pantry. Later in the evening he’ll check out the contents of the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. It’s yet another old coot affliction, the “snoop” syndrome. So, if you are one of those unfortunate people that have an old coot or two in your life, beware! If you’re late, you’ll pay a price.