Article published October 9, 2013 (#-522)

The old Coot can’t get to sleep.

By Merlin Lessler

I was watching TV the other night. Technically, it was the middle of the night, three o’clock in the morning. It was one of those wake-ups where you can’t get back to sleep, too much on your mind. In my case, it was something stupid, “Remember to put new wiper blades on the car.” Even so, it kept me awake. I flipped on the TV. Couldn’t find anything. Hundreds of channels and nothing worth watching. I couldn’t read a book because I forgot where I put my glasses, all four pair that I scatter about the house, but seem incapable of locating when I need them.

I liked it better when there was nothing on TV in the middle of the night, back when they ran the 11 o’clock news – 15 minutes in total, including the weather report. Now, the weather report itself takes 15 minutes. Two minutes of useful information and thirteen minutes of what you should do, or wear, to endure it. I guess we’re too stupid to figure that out on our own. At the end of the news, the announcer said, “Good night,” the scene shifted to a waving American flag and he (it was always a he) dropped a phonograph needle onto a scratchy 33 1/3 vinyl record and the National Anthem blasted out through the speaker. (It was designed to wake the old coots who fell asleep on the couch, and get them to go to bed.) Then, a test pattern appeared. I guess it was so the engineer could adjust equipment at the station. They never said what it was for. But, there it sat, covering the entire screen, a big circle surrounded by smaller circles and lines and other odd geometrics. No sound. Just the test pattern.  

Sometimes we sat and starred at it, puzzling over its purpose. But usually we got up and walked over to the TV and turned it off. That’s right! Got up and walked over to the TV. No remotes back then. We would have thought them magic, witchcraft.

If I had a choice, I’d opt for the test pattern today. It would be better than the hundreds of channels running shows, none worth watching. Maybe someone will record an old test pattern and market it as a DVD. You could pop it into a DVD player, and wa-la, it’s 1954 all over again. I forgot where I was going with this. It happens a lot when you’re an old coot. Ready, Aim, Fire turns into Ready, Aim, ??? Anyhow, I never got back to sleep the other night. I got up and changed the wiper blades and went out for coffee. The diner was loaded with old coots like me, who also couldn’t get back to sleep. I’ve got to get a “test pattern” DVD. I know it would solve my middle of the night wake up problem. Anything is better than sitting around a diner at four o’clock in the morning with what looks like the cast from that old zombie movie, “Night of the Living Dead.”