April 3, 2013 Article

The Old Coot weathers the storm. Sort of.

By Merlin Lessler

 Foreword – I can only hold off for so long, then it bubbles up. This time I set a new record, I went one year and seven months without complaining about the Weather Channel or the US Weather Service. I thought I was cured, but then along came Nemo and then Virgil; that did me in!

A snowstorm named Nemo? Virgil? You’ve got to be kidding. It’s bad enough that they’ve made us afraid of everyday weather: thunderstorms, snowfall, rain, dry spells, wind gusts - that they’ve made us fear the cold by overstating it with wind chill factor - that they’ve taken control of our TV sets, and at every flicker in the atmosphere, blast us out of the room with an awful squawk and report the impending doom in a robotic voice that reminds me of the deadpan tones of Sergeant Friday on Dragnet, “Just the facts maam, just the facts.”

No, that’s not enough. Now they’re naming winter storms, like they name hurricanes. The Blizzard of ‘54 or the Nor’easter of ‘93 wasn’t good enough. So, we’re stuck with Nemo and Luna and Ukko and Athena and Virgil and Helene among other nondescript snowstorm names that the Weather Channel people have put on the list.

It’s time to take back control. To let the weather unfold in all its power and beauty, not fear it for days, because of their (often mistaken) five-day forecasts. It’s time to run through the rain with outstretched arms, to sit on the porch and watch the majesty of a thunderstorm. But, first we must stop the weather people from picking the names. The poor girls and women named Katrina, who carried their moniker proudly, only to have it tainted by the 2005 Hurricane that devastated New Orleans. The same with Andrew, Ike, Irene, Hugo, Wilma, Ivan. Perfectly good names, thrown on the trash heap in the alley behind the U.S. Weather Service.

We can do better, naming hurricanes and snowstorms. With names that have teeth, names that match the impact of the storms. Nemo? Pathetic! How about something more descriptive, more memorable. How about King Kong? Godzilla? Rattlesnake? How about Jack the Ripper? Charles Manson? Now, those are names that match the punch of a ferocious storm. As are, Hitler, Attila the Hun, Lucifer, Dracula. Al Capone and Frank Nitti. Or how about those Wall Street types who’ve wrecked such havoc: Madoff, Ponzi, Enron Corp? Or, the politicians who wooed us and then left office in disgrace; Tricky Dick, Eliot Spitzer, AnthonyWeiner. They sound like a destructive weather condition. Even the names people call us old guys would be better than the list decided on by the Weather Channel. Names like, Grouchy – Miserable – Crusty – Wrinkleface. Just, don’t name a storm Old Coot. I have a hard enough time getting along with the public as it is!