April 24, 2013 Article

The Old Coot stifles a scream.

By Merlin Lessler

There is always one! Get a group of kids together and it’s guaranteed that one of them will be a screamer. And, the screams don’t come every once in a while; them come every few seconds (or so it seems to old coots like me). They scream at everything, especially at the beach. A wave comes in – SCREAM! – the wave goes out – SCREAM! – water splashes – SCREAM! – another kid touches them – SCREAM! And, it’s always one of those high-pitched screeches that carries for miles.

It makes me wonder about the parents; do they hear it? Or, have they been around it so long their brain tunes it out, like the freight train that rumbles and whistles through town at three in the morning. You never notice it until the day it doesn’t come. You wake up and wonder, “What was that?”

It’s not a hard habit to break. When the kid screams, you cup their face in your hands, look them straight in the eye and say, “Stop screaming honey!” Do this every time they emit a screech; five minutes later, the world has one less screamer polluting the environment. With the rare kid where this doesn’t work, a five-minute time out after every screech will get the job done. 

It’s best if a parent takes care of the situation. When they don’t, the old coot method has to be employed. It takes 3 old coots to do this. If you try this when you’re by yourself you can be arrested for harassment. But, with 3, the threat of police action or parent retaliation is eliminated. When the kid screams – we scream. It takes a few exchanges before the kid notices. We’re not just trying to get the message to the screamer; we’re also trying to get the mother or father to put down their cell phone or stop gabbing to a friend and realize their kid is causing a public disturbance.

Sometimes, it works great. Mom or dad does the “face-hold” and tells the kid to stop screaming. The kid gets the message and a pleasant day at the beach is possible. Sometimes, it gets us a dirty look, and the family moves down the beach, away from the old grouches. (That works for me too, but not the poor people at the new location)

If we all pitch in we can rid the world of screamers. They are running rampant – in our parks – on our playgrounds – and especially around water. It’s more than us old coots can handle; we need the rest of you to join in and help put an end to scream pollution.