The Old Coot is out of date, yet again. Published 09/24/2025

 The Old Coot bends and stretches.

By Merlin Lessler

Here we go again, being offered yet another way to eliminate a simple chore. FINDING A KID’S SNEAKER! When a kid said, “Where’s my sneakers,” their mom or dad responded, “Go look for them yourself!” (Unspoken, but on the parent’s mind, “That’s your problem. I’ve got my own, trying to figure out how to help you make a miniature volcano for show and tell.)  That may be a slight exaggeration, and I’m sure a large swath of the population disagrees with my perspective. But, why else would a major footwear company like Sketchers think that a lot of parents want to be relieved of the challenge of finding misplaced sneakers?  They already proved that people don’t want to be bothered with a simple chore like tying the laces in their sneakers. The enormous sales success of their “Slip- ins” verified that assumption.

But this new product, a sneaker for kids with a hidden compartment, where a parent can insert an air tag chip to solve the problem when a kid says, “Mom, Where’s my sneakers.” At least, that’s how they are promoting the product. A quick glance at an app on a cell phone locates the sneakers. What the heck, another task is now eliminated from the modern-day world. I guess the lost sneaker issue takes too much effort: looking, thinking, bending and moving stuff around.

We’ve eliminated many common day chores. We don’t wash our cars, push a lawnmower, rake leaves. We can’t even dry our hands with a towel in many public restrooms; we are forced to use a screaming, high-pitched, ultrasonic blow dryer, a definite threat to hearing. I don’t know about women’s restrooms, but in men’s, most guys give the blower a few seconds, get impatient and bothered by the noise and finish the job by wiping their hands on their jeans. The list of physical stuff we no longer do is endless. Some people replace the exercise that was lost by going to the gym. Or more often, with nothing at all.

I’m not going to put a chip in my sneakers. I’ve opted for all the bending, stretching, looking, thinking and moving things around that I can get. Us old timers need to stick with the credo, “Use it or lose it.” I know I can’t afford to lose any more of it .   

The Old Coot comes up empty. Published September 17, 2025 in NY papers

The Old Coot has nothing.

By Merlin Lessler

I was on the road in my 1983, Sears, Free Spirit, 10 speed bicycle last Sunday afternoon. It was a perfect Autumn Day with the temperature in the 70s paired with a beautiful collection of clouds sweeping across the sky. I was hoping to stumble onto a germ of an idea for this week’s column. And, getting nowhere! I peddled past a swath of houses along the river, with manicured lawns, well-kept gardens and inviting front porches that faced the Susquehanna River.  No people in sight, no walkers, no bikers, no porch sitters. I crossed Main Street into the village park. No Pickleball players, no kids shooting hoops, swinging, coming down the slides, sweeping across the monkey bars or buzzing around in the skateboard park. No People and no ideas for an article.

I kept on peddling, crossing the railroad tracks into what the residents there call, “The Flats.” It’s primarily a residential area with a few commercial entities in one quadrant; it’s separated from the rest of the village by an active set of railroad tracks. I didn’t see any kids as I peddled, no games of tag, hide & seek, no Cowboys & Indians for sure, a childhood obsession in my day, long gone now. I next rode into the school K - 12 campus. The elementary school playground was empty. All that beautiful play equipment sat idle.

I peddled on and on through the complex, but not a soul in sight, not on the tennis courts or on the track around the football field. So, I stopped to “speed” walk, as I call it, on the artificial turf, going from one end zone to the other, dodging imaginary tacklers as I ran kick-offs the length of the field, scoring a touchdown every time. You can do this when there’s no one around. And there wasn’t!

There also wasn’t anyone on the Little League or the high school baseball fields, nor on the soccer practice grounds. No one was playing a pick-up game of baseball. Kids don’t play pick-up games today, for the most part. Everything is organized these days, maybe with a little too much parental involvement. Not like my day, when no one but the players and the coaches showed up for Little League games. How could they; we played in the afternoon when dad was at work and mom was tending to things at home.

But mostly, we played pick-up (sand -lot) games: baseball, football and basketball. Even if there were only two of us, we could devise a World Series game with Mickey Mantle at the plate.

I still had no idea for an article. It felt like I was in a Stephen King novel where I was the only person left in an empty town. I guess I’ll give it another try next weekend. All I can offer is this, my lack of anything interesting to comment on. Nothing going on in town; nothing going on in my head. 

The old coot eliminates a sock problem. Published in NY on Sept. 10, 2025

 The Old Coot skips the socks.

By Merlin Lessler

I'm in the YMCA in Florida, sitting on a bench in the locker room, getting dressed after swimming laps in a 24- lane, outdoor pool. Why am I in Florida? In August? I had to do some mid-summer yard work, to keep bushes from overtaking the house so I came down for a couple of weeks.  It’s exciting to sit and watch the thermometer move toward 100, and then keep going. At least for a guy from the north country. While I was in the YMCA locker room, a guy on the other side of the room was groaning and grunting as he struggled to put on his socks. An old guy, like me. He finally got them on and then swore, “Darn it! I put on my dirty socks, not the clean ones I brought with me,” and started the whole process over again. I hadn't gotten to my socks yet; it can be quite a challenge for an old guy to get a sock started over his toes. But I did just fine; I skipped the socks and put on my sneakers. Socks are overrated.

Then, a younger guy came in; he got dressed standing up, socks, shoes, pants and shirt. I looked over to him, and like the guy in the Progressive Insurance TV commercial who is told to stop talking to strangers and acting like his parents.” I said, “I'm so jealous. I haven't been able to do that for 20 years.” He laughed and said he was 52, and already could tell that his time of getting dressed while standing up was coming to an end.

He’s smarter than I was at that age. I remember getting dressed like that at the Binghamton YMCA when I was in my 50’s. Three old guys sat on a bench nearby working hard to get dressed. One of them broke the ice. “Sonny, enjoy it while you can. Your time to sit on a bench to get dressed is coming.” I never forgot that encounter. Even now, I can clearly picture the three of them sitting on that bench, but the image in my mind, now has me sitting alongside them.

The dressing problems I had back then were to avoid mixing plaids with stripes, not getting into my clothes. Now, beside the sock issue, it’s avoiding going around with a T-shirt, or pants with an elastic waistband on backwards.

Comments? Send to mlessler7@gmail.com

The Old Coot is smiling. Published 08/03/2025 in NY papers

 The Old Coot can smile again.

By Merlin Lessler

I chipped my front tooth the other day. It’s been with me, and intact, since I was seven. I did it when I bit into a plum and smashed into the pit. Unlike little Jack Horner who pulled out a plum, I pulled out a piece of ivory. I’ve broken a molar or two over the years. One on an un-popped, popcorn kernel. Another, in a tug of war with a Sugar Daddy. It yanked out the entire side of the tooth that was held together with a few pins and a filling. It’s since been fitted with a $1,000 cap. The Sugar Daddy is a thing of the past for me.

The chipped front tooth has been fixed, thanks to the skills of my dentist whose name I promised not to mention. But for some reason I never follow through on that promise. It’s Pam Bouton. She’s bailed me out more than once. I’m sure she is astonished at the lengths I go to threaten the existence of those precious ivories. Most likely thinking, “Will he ever learn?” But I know what she’s thinking; I recognize the look. I see it on my wife’s face all the time. It doesn’t matter, I can now continue through life with a smile on my face, framed by an intact set of choppers.    

The trouble with a decent smile, is you are no longer eligible to be a spokesperson for your town after a weather disaster hit: tornado, flood, hurricane, landslide. That sort of thing. You can’t be the guy the TV news reporter looks for to ask your thoughts on the disaster. They seek the goober who has a broken or missing set of choppers. He or she, always scratches their head and says, “I’ve lived here all my life and never saw anything like this. Nope, I no longer qualify, thanks to the skills of Pam Bouton.  

Comments? Send to the paper or to mlessler7@gmail.com