The Old Coot needs a stunt-man double. Published 12/25/024

 The Old Coot needs a stunt man.

By Merlin Lessler

I was in the Daytona State College Phys/Ed locker room the other day. I swung my leg over the bench in front of my locker. I didn’t lift it high enough, and stumbled but caught myself before I could fall. That’s one of the problems of being an old coot – you make what seems like the same effort you always made to do something (picking up my leg, in this case) and the result isn’t the same as it once was. Hence, me stumbling over the locker room bench.

Things like that don’t go unnoticed. Jeff, a fellow lap swimmer, said I looked like Kramer on Seinfeld, who is always stumbling around making some spectacular staggers. He wondered out loud if Kramer used a stunt double on the show. (He didn’t according to Google) Jeff’s comment got me thinking. That’s what I need, a stunt double. To get me safely through the day. Doing ordinary things that I’m no longer adept at. – Like stepping over something without tripping. My day would go so much smoother and be anxiety free. Like when I swing my leg over the back wheel to get off my bicycle; it sometimes catches on the tire and sends me reeling in a backwards stumble. I’ve only fallen once doing this and that was more than ten years ago when I was a young old coot. Since then, I take great care getting off my bike, but if I had a stunt double, I could hop off with ease.

I could pop up and out of the swimming pool, save myself the trouble of sloshing to the stairs at the other end of the pool. My double could climb a step ladder to change a light bulb in an overhead fixture. Or, reach down to pick up a quarter off the ground. Old coots like me drop stuff all the time, not just money. I could employ a stunt man on a full time basis to bend down and pick things up.

My wife would love it if he stood in for me when I have coffee with the boys or dine on a plate of spaghetti and meatballs. Then I wouldn’t come home wearing a shirt splattered with stains. But I like Italian food too much to use a stand-in. You can only go so far with this stunt double stuff.       

 

 

The Old Coot and cardboard boxes equal's fun. (Published December 11, 2024)

 The Old Coot + a cardboard box = fun.

By Merlin Lessler

 

A recent “Family Circus” comic strip pictured 2 kids and a dog hanging around a huge cardboard box. The caption said, “Mommy got a new washer, and we got a new clubhouse.” It reminded me of the day my mother got her new AUTOMATIC washing machine; it was in the early 1950’s. It was a big day at our house. That dinged up old ringer washer was moved aside, and a sparkling new Maytag took its place; it was connected to the faucets in the nearby stationary sink that she used to soak clothes in to start her usual cleaning process. My mother didn’t trust the new machine that hid what it was doing under the lid, so she continued to soak everything before loading it into the Maytag. She even continued to use the scrub board and bar of yellow soap to remove the grass stains on the knees of my jeans, which we called dungarees in those days. Jeans were what girls wore.

 

My sister and I garnered the box and turned it into a club house. My friend, Woody, and I added a “No girls allowed,” sign on the flap and took possession. First, in the basement and then outside. We used it to slide down the steep, snow covered hill in my backyard. Cardboard was quite durable in those days, much more rugged than it is now. That box stayed intact for weeks, getting soggy, but maintaining its size and shape as it dried out on the back porch, awaiting the next snowfall.

 

Eventually, we cut it into 4 pieces, giving us 4 sleds so some neighborhood kids could join us. It didn’t take much to entertain kids in those pre-TV days. We spent most of our free time outside. Through snow, sleet, rain and the dark of night. We would have made excellent postal carriers.

 

Those old cardboard boxes added to our supply of toys shared in the neighborhood: stilts, pogo sticks, trikes & bikes, sleds, balls, bats & gloves and roller skates. If we didn’t have the right equipment, we borrowed it, sometimes without asking. It was a bonanza era for cardboard boxes; ringer washers were replaced by automatics, old gas stoves with new electric ones and ice boxes replaced by electric refrigerators. The recycling was handled by us kids, using, and wearing out all those boxes. We cut the scraps into small squares and fastened them to the fender braces on our bikes with a clothes pin to make a motorized sound. Sociologists should refer to the span of time between the end of World War ll and the 1960’s as the cardboard box era. I’m so glad I was there.

 

Comments, complaints? -  Send to mlessler7@gmail.com

The Old Coot likes knobs and switches. Published November 4, 2024 - Tioga County Courier

 The Old Coot cheers the change.

By Merlin Lessler

It’s been 20+ years in the coming, but knobs, sliders, switches and other physical controls are making a comeback in automobile design. If you’re less than 30 years old, you’ll wonder what I’m talking about. Let me explain. You could once control most functions behind the wheel, blindfolded. Want more heat? Reach over to the slider switch and move it to the right.  Need the fan to blow harder? Turn the knob next to the slider switch. You didn’t have to see it. You could feel it. No touch screen to distract you from keeping your eyes on the road.

Those screens cause more accidents than cell phones. That’s my take anyhow. It’s the same thing with household appliances. Printed circuit boards and touch screens dominate the landscape. I can’t even change the clock on our Samsung range without downloading an App and connecting to the brain (artificial intelligence) inside the unit. I won’t get into our washing machine. Another nightmare that decides I can’t change water temperature in a preset mode. I’m too stupid to be allowed that freedom. A/I has pushed my wants aside.

Get in a strange car? Good luck finding out how to control things. Every smart screen is different and uses symbols that are old coot, un-friendly. I can’t even get it right on an elevator when I try to press the “shut the door” button. Car manuals are now used more than ever. I guess you can read it while driving. Not any more dangerous than reaching over and drilling down through a menu on a touch screen. A screen that is getting bigger and bigger and probably will eventually replace the windshield entirely. Pushing us further into a virtual world.  

All is not lost. Some auto manufacturers have figured out that touch screens aren’t cutting edge anymore. Tesla and VW are leading the pack, and starting to add knobs and switches for commonly used functions. They had to hire designers that didn’t grow up playing video games and using touch screens. They hired some old coots to guide them to a new/old future. A safer one!

Comments? Send to mlessler7@gmail.com