The Old Coot turns 80, almost - A Tioga County Courier Article of 7/6/2022

 The Old Coot Fails a Pop Quiz.

By Merlin Lessler

 I had a SURPRISE, pre-80^th (six months prior) birthday party a few weeks ago. They seem to come so fast when you’re an old coot. Not at all like the year when I was 15 and counting the days until I could get a permit and drive my “old man’s” sedan. That year took an eternity. But after I turned fifty, the years began to fly; ten minutes later I was signing up for Social Security. My birthday cards are loaded with “old” jokes. They cause trouble for old coots like me. Not because of the “old” jokes, I’m used to that stuff. No, they cause problems because I don’t know what to do with the cards after I open them. And guess what? There are rules. Most men don’t know it’s impolite to tear open the envelope, read the card, smile, chuckle and throw it away. That’s a serious violation of the rules. You are supposed to save it, put it on display on your dining room, or your mantle if you have one. You can’t toss it in the garbage. And, if you are smart, you’ll memorize what it says. For the pop quiz that lurks in your future. You’ll know the quiz has started when you hear someone say, “Did you like my card?” If you didn’t follow the rules, you can only lamely respond, “Yes I did. Thanks you very much.” That won’t work, not when the sender asks, “Did you think the little dog with the eyeglasses was funny?” Now, in big trouble, you feel like a kid again, slumped down in your seat with the teacher standing in front of your desk staring down at you as you squirm and get ready to tell her the dog ate your homework.

 You can redeem yourself. You can go home and read the card again. Do your homework, so to speak. When you see the person who was nice enough to give you a card, you can mention the little dog wearing eyeglasses and the chuckle it gave you. You might add a statement or two about how funny other people thought the card was. This might earn you enough credit to get your pop quiz grade raised from an F to a D.  Which is quite an accomplishment. For an old coot.     

 The rules aren’t specific about how long you should keep your birthday cards on display. I go with a two-week rule. But, that won’t work for everybody. Old coots who don’t get out much, should keep the cards for a month or more, because they may not get to some of the pop quizzes for several weeks. They can bone up for the test every time they leave the house. They won’t have to use the, “I had a senior moment and can’t remember your card,” defense. They can ace the test!

 When the viewing period has run its course you are permitted to throw the cards away. But, only a foolish old coot would do it. Smart ones put them in a drawer so they can pull them out a week before their next birthday and do their homework. When they get hit with this year’s pop quiz they can compare the new card to last year’s. “I thought your card with the little puppy last year was the funniest card I ever saw, but this one, with the snail tying his shoe laces, is funnier yet!” It’s techniques like this that get you into the old coot, hall of fame. I only have one request. When I get inducted, please don’t send me a card.

 Ps, The party was great! Even better than my 7^th when I was surprised with a pair of Hopalong Cassidy cap guns.