The Old Coot found his happy place.
By Merlin Lessler
I’m in a “time out” zone at a large shopping mall. I call
it the husband corral. But, like Brer Rabbit, when Brer Fox and Brer Wolf threw
him into a briar patch, I’m in my “happy” place. (Can’t relate to the Brer
Rabbit comparison? Too far back in time for you to have heard of it? Then, look
it up, Google it. Go to YouTube and watch the Brer Rabbit & the Tar Baby
episode.)
Anyhow, when I’m in a mall on a bench, I’m happy; I’m doing
my favorite thing: watching people and writing. Men in their first shopping time-out,
fidget in their seat and complain about it to us old guys, but we offer no sympathy.
They have to learn to entertain themselves when in the husband corral. We did. Some
of them were sent to the corral because when they tagged along with their
wives, they acted like a five year old, tugging at mommy’s skirt and asking
again and again, “Can we go now?” Time out on a bench is what they get for
their whining.
These new recruits whine out loud, “She said she’d be
right back.” That’s what they heard, but not what she meant. A translation of
“right back” doesn’t have a numerical value; it can vary from five minutes
(something that almost never happens) to thirty minutes or more. It’s fun to
try to guess when a time out sentence will conclude. And, to wonder if the
sentence will be commuted, or that you will go on parole and moved to a new
time out zone outside a different store. I’ve played the guessing game for
decades, wondering how long my sentence would be. I seldom guessed right.
But I don’t care; I’m in my “Happy Place,” and today it
gave me this essay. The most important part of a new recruit’s training is to
apply the Boy Scout Motto, “Be prepared.” Prepared to entertain yourself on a
bench by watching people, reading or like me, writing about what you see and
counting the sighs and whines of new convicts in the husband corral.
Eventually, you’ll look forward to a shopping trip. I know I do.
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