The Old Coot takes note,
of a note book.
By Merlin Lessler
I watched the Master’s
Golf Tournament last week. In November! Not May! No fans! No azaleas! Just
golfers, PGA officials, TV videographers and members of the exclusive (for-profit)
Augusta National Golf Club. It will forever be known as the Pandemic Masters. It’s
always a treat to watch the pros demonstrate how the game is supposed to be
played. You can’t help but notice the fat notebook in the golfers back pants
pocket that they take out and study before each shot. The book contains a map
of the course, showing key terrain features, the contours of the green, obstacles,
location of sprinkler heads and other useful points of reference.
It’s a guidebook of the highest level; it also
includes notes made by the golfers on each round. They learn from their
mistakes as they progress through the four rounds of a standard tournament. I
can’t imagine what it would be like to look down at a logbook, look up to get
the lay of the land, check the wind, know how far you can hit each club in the
bag and then execute a shot. The book wouldn’t do me any good. I never know how
far I’ll hit any club in my bag. Truth be told, I could get by with less clubs.
I pretty much shank them all with equal frequency.
My logbook, if I had one,
would contain a single page. In big letters, it would say - “Keep your head
down!” - “Keep your eye on the ball (I
tend to close my eyes at the last moment)!” And most important for me, #3 “Don’t
try to kill it!” I never accomplish all three. My swing is in perfect agreement
with the lyrics in Meatloaf’s hit song, “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad.” That’s
why my game is so interesting. Each shot
is a surprise.
The golfers that wait
their turn on the tee, while my foursome tees off, often break out in laughter when
I pull out my driver. It’s over 30 years old and the head is made of wood. The
head is so small it looks more like a modern-day putter than a driver. I bought
new clubs two years ago, but returned them after one round. Then, I slunk back to
the Owego Open Door Mission Outlet Store and bought back my old ones. I’d donated
them when I purchased the new ones. Fortunately, they were still there. I guess
it shouldn’t have surprised me; who would want them? Other than an antique
dealer.
Anyhow, I’ll stick with my
old clubs and a one-page guide book. If I decide to add a second page, it won’t
contain golf tips. – It will offer practical advice, suitable for an old coot
like me. #1 - Your car is red and parked in the back row of the parking lot;
don’t go looking all over for it #2 - Take your spikes off before getting in
the car. #3 - Tell everyone you shot par.
(It’s not a lie; I always shoot par. Unfortunately, I reach that number at the
13th or 14th hole, not the end of an 18 hole round.) My
friend Ray, who is a year younger than me, has been shooting his age every so
often. It’s quite an accomplishment. I’m working on it, but I doubt I’ll make
it. It’s not likely I’ll live to 150.
Comments? Complaints? –
Send to – mlessler7@gmail.com
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