The
Old Coot loves bad TV ads.
By
Merlin Lessler
Law
firms (of the ambulance chasing variety), Big Pharma and quackery products
dominate the television advertising landscape. They make you mad, make you
groan, or if you are like me, make you laugh out loud. They are so pathetic it
makes you wonder why they do it. Simple answer, “Because it works!” The
ambulance chasing ads that I chuckle at the most came from a law firm that proclaimed,
“We leave no stone unturned!” They stuck with that theme for several years. I
guess they finally ran into a stone they couldn’t turn. They switched their
mantra to “Maximum Benefits!” That’s what they promise you’ll get if you hire
them. They’ve moved on; now they say, “We’re nice, but tough!” We’re nice
attorneys, but get tough when it comes to getting you maximum benefits. Television
stations across the country are rife with attorney ads like this. It’s fun to
tune to a local station when you’re out of town. It’s almost as entertaining as
the local sightseeing attractions.
My
favorite ad at the moment doesn’t come from a law firm. It’s from Plexaderm – a
so called miracle ointment made from shale that removes wrinkles and those
unsightly bags under your eyes. For a mere $59.95 you can regain your youthful
looks. (Or, get a trial size for $14.95). A group of users are paraded out, demonstrating
the startling results, baggy eyes and all. The goop is dabbed on: presto, the
wrinkles “seem” to disappear. It’s an all-out war on wrinkles and an all-out
war on your wallet. Near the end of the ad, a sixty-one-year-old personal
trainer takes center stage. I laugh so loud I nearly fall off the sofa. She
flexes her biceps to prove she is fit and health conscious. Unfortunately, she
looks more like people in my age group. More like 80 than 61. (Not that there’s
anything wrong with looking 80). After a few dabs of Plexaderm her face
actually does look less wrinkled. She looks younger. Not 80 any longer, more
like 79 and ½. My wife watches my antics and gives me that “Would you just get
over it” look. Old coots like me get that look all the time.
But
we don’t get over it; it’s one of our favorite pastimes, especially the anti-aging
shams and the Snake Oil products that pharmaceutical companies bombard us with.
Most often, with a beautiful, pastoral scene in the background and lovely music
playing as they gently list the life-threatening affects you should be prepared
for. One of the first of these snake oil
products came right from the southern tier area; Doctor Kilmer’s Swamp Root
Oil. He grew fabulously rich selling this cure-all. It came in 18 varieties,
solved every medical problem know to man in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s. It
didn’t hurt that it contained 10% alcohol. Many a teetotaler had no idea they’d
become an “Doctor Kilmer’s Swamp Oil” alcoholic.
Yet,
here we are, one-hundred and fifty years later, a sophisticated, well-educated society
still being taken in by modern day hucksters. The ads are so ridiculous that
they provide an endless stream of entertaining for cynical old coots like me. I
just wish the networks would stop interrupting the ads with TV shows.
Comments?
Complaints? Wrinkles? Send to - mlessler7@gmail.com
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