December 13, 2017 Article

The Old Coot is “Hip” smart.

By Merlin Lessler

Ok, so you need a new hip. A lot of people do. For some, it hits early, in their 40’s and 50’s. For most folks it comes later, 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s. That’s when our whole darn body starts to fall apart (as so adroitly stated by Henry Fonda in the movie, On Golden Pond). Hips rank high on the replacement list, 400,000 a year in the U.S. Some people, mostly men, claim it’s due to a sports injury. We go for the macho factor, but like most things men claim, especially old men like me, it’s a lie. Most likely the joint got damaged showing off. In my case, doing a running flip in the backyard at my daughter’s 5^th birthday party.

The damage actually started in high school. Not on the football field, but in the halls and walking to and from school. I was too “cool” to use a brief case to carry my books like the nerdy kids. Bookbags weren’t available in that era. So, girls held their books in their arms, pulled to their chests. Boys, held an eighteen-inch stack on their hips and walked at a slant, straining not just their backs, but their hips as well. A classmate would often sneak up on us from behind and push the pile to the floor. Then, with a big grin on their face, say, “Drop a few subjects, did you? Ha Ha.”   

Girls escaped hip stress in high school, but caught up and passed us when they had children. Carrying those rug rats around on their hips does the damage. I marvel every time I watch a young mother doing it. One pulled up at Dunkin Donuts the other day as I was walking by. She hopped out of her car, opened the back door and reached in to untangle a one-year-old from a network of clasps and fasteners that Houdini would have trouble escaping from, placed the kid on her hip, strode around the car to the other door and pulled an infant out of an equally complicated mechanism and staggered inside to get coffee and donuts, I presume for hubby, who was home in his man cave watching a football game. Her hip joint is most certainly suffering from this stress; the damage is slowly but surely taking its toll.

Many fathers do the child-hip-carry thing too, but to a much lesser degree. I did. And, can still remember how much it hurt, especially after a long stint, like watching a parade. But, when my male crowd explains why we’re going in for a hip replacement, we don’t mention it; we stick with the sports injury thing.  I don’t think doctors have made the connection between child rearing and hip problems. If they did they’d use a rating system based on the number of kids lugged around. Minor damage if you have a one-kid-hip, major, if you have a five-kid-hip. Five-kid-hip women need a replacement earlier in life than one-kid-hip women. Fathers, are exempt for the most part. As we all know, they rarely carry their weight (excuse the pun) in child rearing. Yet, with all these hip replacements going on, you would think more parents would use a papoose.

Comments? Complaints? Send to – mlessler7@gmail.com