May 31, 2017 Article

The Old Coot counts down (and up)

By Merlin Lessler

I staggered out my front door a few weeks ago, headed into town to get some wake up caffeine at the Owego Kitchen and swap lies with a group of likeminded friends, all of which (except for Ray/Roy) are a long way from being old coots, but it is in their future, even if they won’t admit it. It’s a three-block walk, well within the grasp of an old coot like me. A took a few steps and noticed a “Walk Owego” sign. Someone must have put it there while I slept because I never noticed it before, but then again, it took me three months to notice the new drapes in the living room. It’s an old coot affliction, this inability to notice things.

Anyhow, the sign said it was 765 steps to Lake Street. I thought of it as three blocks; 765 steps sounded a lot farther, but I needed caffeine so I continued on, thinking I’d count my steps to see if the sign was accurate. I got to 73 when I noticed another sign. This one said it was 692 steps to town. I tried to do the math, subtract 73 from 765 to see if I was counting correctly. That’s when my headache started. I gave up, decided to check the 692 steps, not the original 765.

I thought I got to 90, but my mind had been wandering and I wasn’t sure 90 was right; maybe it was 80 or 100. Should I go back and start again? I never answered the question; I spotted another sign just ahead. It claimed to be 540 steps from town. I didn’t try to do the math; I deserted the number of steps I’d been counting and embraced the new, lower number and decided to count down instead of up: 540, 539, 538… My headache got worse. This was like, but not as hard as, reciting the alphabet backwards.

After a few minutes, I wasn’t sure if I had 363 or 336 steps to go. I picked the lower number and plodded on. I was saved by a new sign, “311 Steps to Lake Street.” I started a new count, this one going up, 1,2,3…When I made it to the corner of Lake and Front I had counted 337, not 311 as promised. I chuckled at their error for a few seconds and then realized it was me that was off. I discovered last winter that I didn’t walk in a straight line. I’d looked back at my footprints in the snow and saw a path that was similar to that of a skier coming down a slope, a long continuous S-pattern.

So, the sign was probably accurate. But, I’d like to get my golfing buddy, George Moulton, to walk it off and see what he comes up with. He moves across a green like Tim Conway imitating an old man. I swear it takes him half an hour to put the pin back in and walk to the cart. I bet he’d get over 1,000 from the “311 steps” to town sign.

The signs are a clever idea, a friendly way to invite shoppers to walk to the shops from where they have to park while Lake Street is under construction. Yet, I’m forced to live up to my old coot reputation, to crab about everything and opine on how to fix it. In this case, not to accommodate my friend George’s baby steps or my meandering, side to side walking style. I’m sure regular people, and especially Fitbit people, who keep track of the number of steps they take on a daily basis, are happy with the signs as they are, but some of us need something to soften the blow, like adding the number of blocks to some of the signs and “You’re almost there to others. Of course, that might just encourage more old coots to swarm into the shopping area and that would be a disaster.

Comments? Complaints? Send to – mlessler7@gmail.com