October 19, 2016 Article

The Old Coot finally gets the new math.

By Merlin Lessler

One is greater than five. That’s the new math. Correction, the new “old coot” math. I’m still getting used to it. It’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks, but not impossible. I’m an old dog who requires reading glasses (if I want to read or thread a needle for example). The issue started as I slid into my forties, and like all males, I denied it for years. I was ok under bright lights or out in the sun, but otherwise, everything blurred unless I held it at arms length. I finally gave in and had my vision checked. I ended up with a pair of bifocal reading glasses, big ones, as was the style back then. Some guys never moved on; you can spot them with glasses the size of fish bowls covering their face from below their nose to the top of their forehead. Not me! I must have purchased 150 pairs of cheap reading glasses and a few pair of “real” glasses over the last 3 decades, and little by little, the glasses got smaller and smaller.

That’s where the new math comes in. Where one is greater than five. I get a five pack of reading glasses about every 12 months. They’re cheap, so they don’t last long, especially when you sit on them or carelessly toss them around like I do. At the moment, I don’t know where any of them are. When I had just one pair, I paid attention to where I put them down, but with five pairs, I don’t bother. I toss them off or leave them behind when I’m through looking at something. Pretty soon, five pair becomes four, then three and eventually none. I just ordered a new batch. As soon as I did, I stumbled on one of the lost ones. Which made it a lot easier to type this without having to lean back so far from the computer screen that my fingers barely reached the keyboard.

 But, I’m going to turn over a new leaf when the new batch arrives. I’m going to put four pair in the garage on a high shelf so they are not readily available. Then, I’ll see if I can’t learn to keep track of one pair. Unfortunately, it’s not just glasses that are subject to the “one is greater than five” math. Car keys, house keys, screwdrivers and a lot of other things fall victim to the phenomena. Most cars come with two sets of keys. I used to make the mistake of getting several extra set made, (just in case). Soon, the five keys began to diminish, just like my glasses. I was in danger of having no keys. Now that car manufacturers provide a key-like device that costs hundreds of dollars, I don’t even consider buying one extra set. And, you know what? I never misplace them. One (and even two) is greater than five. That may be why polygamy is illegal in the United States. Just saying.  

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