September 14, 2016 Article

The Old Coot packs for a trip

By Merlin Lessler

I’m getting ready to go on a short vacation. To Virginia. For Larissa Dobransky’s wedding. I still think of her as the little kid who lived next door. I should update my perspective and think of her as Doctor Larissa Dobransky. I bet she doesn’t respond to her elderly patients like the medical people I deal with. If I complain that my arm or leg is doing something weird, or something else on this “vehicle” I’m walking around in, I always get, “You’ve got to expect that at your age.” I’m going to ask her about that, if I get a chance. None of us old guys and gals expected any of this stuff. Anyhow, my wife thinks we’re all packed. Dresses, suits and casual clothes. But, that’s not enough for an old coot. I need special old coot gear.

Picture this! Some old guy asleep in a lounge chair by the swimming pool in a swanky hotel, flat on his back, arms akimbo, eyes closed, mouth wide open and snoring as loud as a leaf blower. I plan to pack in my old coot kit, a baseball hat, a newspaper, an operating room mask and the like so my wife will have something to cover my face with when I drift into la la land. She can activate the blue tooth portable speaker I’m bringing and play loud music to drown out my snoring. Some old coots use a straw hat to cover their whole face and quiet the noise; I find them awkward to carry around and if you do so by wearing it on your head, you become one of those quirky old guys in a straw hat. I’m leaving mine at home.

I also plan to bring a few work zone cones to place around my lounge chair in case I get hit with a leg cramp while I’m sleeping and leap up and do the “kick your leg and spin around” dance to free my leg from it. I don’t want to knock anyone into the pool. This should keep people safely out of the cramp zone.

My wife doesn’t know it, but I’ve made a reservation to rent a baby stroller. I can use it to push around my old coot vacation gear. I’m hoping to rent a baby too, to put in the stroller; it will distract other hotel guests from looking me over too closely and thinking, or saying, “What’s an old coot like that doing at the swimming pool?” It will transform my image into a positive one, that of a doting grandfather (or, great grandfather). If I can’t get a baby, a small dog will work. But, not a little puppy; it would draw too much attention and I’ll never get to nap. It ain’t easy going on a vacation when you’re an old coot. (But, I guess I have to expect that at my age.)  Congratulations to Larissa Dobransky and Ryan Stuhlreyer on your September nuptials.

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