December 16, 2015 Article

The Old Coot names the problem.

By Merlin Lessler

He says, "I’m John." – I say, “Hi; I’m the Old Coot.” I stare at him for a minute and then ask, “What was your name again?” An invisible bubble appears over his head, like the ones you see in cartoons; it reads, “For less than two seconds, this old coot can’t recall my name, the most common name in the USA. How could he forget so fast?” We are always astounded when someone forgets our name, but not at all cognizant that we don’t remember their name.

 Why is it so hard to get someone’s name when we meet them for the first time? And then, so hard to understand why they don’t remember our name? Is it because we’re concentrating on not missing their hand when reaching out to shake? Is it because we’re distracted, wondering if that piece of spinach is still stuck in our teeth? Or, is it because we’re fixated on their hair, wondering if it’s a rug or a weave? There has to be something to explain our failure to accomplish so simple a task.

It’s incurable for me, this memory failure. Even though I’ve been to several seminars where the topic of how to remember someone’s name was painstakingly laid out for the attendees. I was taught to repeat the person’s name, to say it back to them (It’s so nice to meet you John.) to use it several times in small talk. (John, where are you from? Where do you work John? Are you from around here John?) People are flattered when they hear you say their name, but most of the time, we end up faking it. I myself, muffle something indistinguishable. Or, like a lot of my old coot friends, I promote the person to a distinguished position in the social order: Governor, General, Mayor, Professor or some such flattering title that I hope will mask my ignorance.

There has to be a reason why many of us can’t remember a person’s name five seconds after being introduced. It’s not an age thing or an old coot thing. Nor, is it a male thing, though most husbands turn to their wives immediately after being introduced to someone and whisper out of the side of their mouth, “What were their names?” And, then get irritated because the wife didn’t do any better than they did. Which is really baffling, since she’s the one who dragged them to the event in the first place. It’s just another mystery of the human condition I’ll never figure out. I expect to get creamed at the upcoming social affairs now that we are into the holiday season. I’ll tell myself, Listen! Focus! Say the person’s name! Repeat it! But in reality, I expect to elect a sea of Governors and Mayors, and promote a ton of Generals over the next several weeks. How will you do?